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listen

"Tell me when you think that we became so unhappy, wearing silver rings with nobody clapping. When we moved here together we were so disappointed, sleeping out of tune with our dreams disjointed. It killed me to see you getting always rejected, but I didn’t mind the things you threw, the phones I deflected. I didn’t mind you blaming me for your mistakes, I just held you in the doorframe through all of the earthquakes. But you packed up your clothes in that bag every night, and I would try to grab your ankles (what a pitiful sight.) But after over a year, I stopped trying to stop you from stomping out that door, coming back like you always do. Well no one’s gonna fix it for us, no one can. You say that, ‘No one’s gonna listen, and no one understands.’ So there’s no open doors, and there’s no way to get through, there’s no other witnesses, just us two."

"i never meant to drag you down with me, i really didn't and i hope you know that deep down in the bottom of your heart that i am really really happy for you for climbing yourself out of this hole i tripped you into. really, i'm proud of you. i'm happy for you. i'm happy that you aren't full of nothing anymore. i'm happy that you're doing better in showers and in dreams and at dinner tables. i'm really happy.
"but there's a jealous part of me. jealous for all the wrong reasons. you were thin enough to warrant worry; get help without asking. you were very sick. you were the sick people care about. i am not that kind of sick. i am the sick people get tired of, you know? you understand, you've been here. you know me.
"i'm sorry that half of me is jealous because i never ever want you to feel like you did. ever again. ever. i want you to be happy and meet someone who loves this new you, i want you to read again. i want you to enjoy the little things. i'm proud of you and i'm just so jealous you got out when i can't seem to find the damn ladder."