M Choma's photostream

Time to shift gears?
One. I'm getting into skinny mode. I want to look like I did this time last year. I am seriously dieting and whenever the piles of school work get off my back, I will make my way to the gym. I swear I will get skinny again.
Two. There is this adorable boy in 2 of my classes that has recently begun talking to me. He is beautiful and I have that giddy feeling again. I haven't had that feeling in soo long. I'm terrified of it, but I can't walk away from it.

What if I can get happy again?
I still have little glitchy memories of what it felt like to be happy. I remember sitting on my couch and getting a phone call, "want to go sit on the beach with a bottle of wine for some good conversation and maybe a little sex?"

yes, I remember that glimpse of happiness. but I want this time to be different. I hope something comes from this. I could use something slash someone to look forward to.

This is a hard place to be. Balanced.

I've been witnessing a lot of break ups and hardships between couples lately. It seems like some is in the air.

I got coffee with a friend the other day, who just broke up with his girlfriend, and listened to his talk about the relationship and both of their morals and beliefs, where they stand in life, and what they're plans are as far as next steps go. I was sitting there listening to him talk about it, and I just thought about how hard it all is. How can you possibly find someone who wants to go the same places as you and will support you through all of your decisions? I mean, when you're in a relationship you have to make compromises, but how do you find that happy medium? If you make too many compromises then you're no longer you and you can't be happy.

He knows it's going to be hard in a few days when he's thinking about it and he starts to miss her. I know that feeling. That feeling of realizing that you're missing something that you've had for so long, in his case 4 years. You forget what it's like to be alone, or not have that one person to go to. You don't know how to go on. I HATE that feeling. I hate feeling dependent. I have finally gotten back to that place where I don't need anyone. Now, I just kind of want someone. But the thought of getting what I want, and then losing it, kills. I don't want to get back to that place where I feel out of sorts and off balanced.

I already have been getting dizzy a lot lately. I think my equilibrium is off.

Who knows what they want? How can you possibly know?

In the meantime, I drink coffee and paint and frolic.

This is what I did all day about 2 days ago. I drank a pot of green tea, drew, and watched "Writstcutters: A Love Story."

I'm trying to get back to staying home and drawing slash painting and drinking tea and being healthy and spending time alone slash taking it easy.

It's hard I get invited out to do stuff because I want to go do these things and hang out with these people, but I want to get skinny and feel good again.

I've been in super funk lately. Feeling alone and out of it and shits. Hopefully this will all start to change. It already has tonight. I got invited to wing night by 2 different people and invited to the park and denied all of them to stay home and finish my drawing that is due tomorrow.

Time for healing again.

My best friend told me I put myself in situations that I know will make me miserable and sulk in my misery.
maybe I do.
maybe it's my subconscious.
maybe I have no idea what I'm doing.
maybe people just fuck me over.
maybe I let them.
who knows.

I don't know anything.
I don't know what I want.
I don't know why I'm so restless.
I don't know why I get so bored so fast.
I don't know why I can't be happy.
I don't know why I get so wrapped up in one person or thing.

I do know that being back in Wilmington is actually lovely.
I went to the gym yesterday, I've been getting about 9 hours of sleep a night, and I haven't had a cig in 3 days.
I'm going to get healthy and feel good again before I go back to Boone, so maybe it'll stick.
and I dyed my hair brown.

I'M GOING TO BE HAPPY AGAIN.
I swear.

Where do I even begin?
I'm such a mess.
I guess the root to most of my problems is the fact that I am broke.
I don't have a job, and my mom is tired of giving me so much money, which is understandable.
I am trying, trying, trying to get a job.

But, because I am broke, my hair is growing out and my roots are really bad.
I've been eating poorly and in weird habits, so I've gained weight.
I can't buy cigarettes. So. So. So. frustrating.

I'm going to Wake Forest today. Whenever I head that way it's always so bittersweet. A part of me wants to go see my friends and family, but Wake Forest doesn't hold much for me. Plus, I get homesick for Boone easily. Which doesn't really make sense because it's the people I get homesick for, not the actual place, and now my friends are gone. I still have a couple to look forward to coming back to see, but four very important people are gone.

Maybe I'll see her before Christmas. I've really had a desire to see her lately.

For the most part, I just need to figure out what I want. It keeps changing. I am so inconsistent and it gets really tiring. Sometimes I want the stability of a relationship, the consistency, the security. But then other times, mostly when I'm around couples, I see the fights and who they turn into when they're around each other, and I want nothing to do with it. I just want to know what I want.

It's been a lot of, "what the fuck is my life turning into?" lately.
I miss living in Wilmington, working, going to school, eating right, working out. I want it back so badly.