The day my heart broke in a thousand pieces (july, 2008)

I remember two summers ago, I found out devastating news about someone I loved while I had this page open in a Simpsons animation book that I had checked out a few days prior.

That day I realized that I was worthless, ugly, and I'd never have a boyfriend because of these reasons. I've never gotten out of the funk, there's been suicide attempts through the years.

I'm still like this years later. Every time I get a new crush on a guy and I find out he has a girlfriend, I just automatically feel like shit. I feel like an ugly individual, the fact that nobody will like me. The fact that I'm never going to have sex again. The fact that five years from now, I'll probably be knocked up working at McDonalds since I can't get a job b/c I'm fat.

All of this because of guys.

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Comments

TheDamnMushroom says:

> The fact that I'm never going to have sex again. The fact that
> five years from now, I'll probably be knocked up

You do realize those two statements are contradictory? %-)

You are not worthless, ugly, or destined to remain single. You just chose the wrong guys or the wrong moment, but the right ones do come along. And I heartily deny that silly charge that no one is attracted to you, mentally or physically. And if you credit your weight for how you see things may turn out, do something about it rather than sticking to that belief that you shouldn't do something just because "people want you to do it."

All this because of your self-image... guys had zero to do with it.
Posted 1 week ago. ( permalink )

cheshirecat666 says:

That's why I love this whole Bear phenomenon: I can be chunky,balding,and have a hairy back,and I'm Brad Pitt.

Not that my opinion matters,but I think your adorable! I watched your vid in front of the window fan many times in a row cos I thought you were a hoot. When you smile,it's delightful.

The only physical trait i see wrong with you is you have an open wound where your penis should be,otherwise, you could be mine

Now if that knowledge isn't a reason for living,I dunno what is
Posted 10 days ago. ( permalink )

krseward says:

Yeah, what the topless cat and pencil-drawn 'shroom said.

Plus, as proclaimed by the ever sober & vigilant school bus driver, Ms. Colette Reardon: "You're a good kid. A Good Kid!!!"

And by that she means to say: everything good you thought you weren't you really *are*.

(And don't like, um, contradict Colette, y'know, 'cause ahh I think she's kinda high on one of several homeopathic remedies. And carrying a homebrew taser fashioned from jumper cables. She means well . . .)

May the spirits of Bart and Lisa henceforth guide you to the three-eyed tasty fish of non-suckitude.
Posted 9 days ago. ( permalink )

thepetecom says:

As a married guy, it's easy for me to say this, but I think you should make up your own rules about what attractive is and don't worry so much about other folks' rules. When I first met my wife I wasn't physically attracted to her at all. Actually tried asking out her roommate. But we got to know each other as friends and eventually, I realized I had fallen in love with her. We've been together for 12 years.

The reality is that the physical is just an illusion--get past what people look like and we're all ugly and beautiful at the same time. That's the way I look at life, too. You can see all sorts of ugly horrible shit going on. Or, you can see flowers and people being nice and not killing each other most of the time.

Last year I was so depressed I spent several days straight in bed. This year has been better because I'm just ignoring the shit. Doing that has helped me see the good stuff in my life. However, I still feel lonely, that life is a struggle, and I wonder just what the hell I'm doing with my life, this despite having my wife in my life for over a decade. Love and sex and being attractive are nice, but do not make life worth living. I think we have to make life worth living for ourselves. At least, that's what I'm trying to do. If that doesn't work, I'm not sure what I'll do... but it seems to be working so far...

Sorry if this lecture isn't welcome--just offering up my ¥2. Ignore at will.

And incidentally, all men (and women) have the ability to be shitty to people they find unattractive--regardless of their own looks. It's our own faults and our society's faults. This is why I say make up your own rules as to what's attractive and what isn't.

As for your weight, that should be a health issue not a looks-issue, in my mind. Again, just my ¥2.

One more thing and I'll shut up: you don't know me, but I'm glad you're still around. I enjoy your photostream. I am also fascinated by abandoned commercial spaces. I think my life would be a little less interesting if you weren't somewhere on the planet. So, I don't think you should get too down on yourself. You do create positive things in the world that are appreciated, regardless of how you look or how you think of yourself.
Posted 9 days ago. ( permalink )

cathuhhrine says:

Wow, I really identify with what you wrote here. I decided a while ago to just give up on attempting to get involved with anyone on that level. The world seems to be okay with that. I think the comments here are very encouraging, though. I don't know, I just wanted to say that I really can relate to what you wrote. I wish I was a more articulate person.
Posted 7 days ago. ( permalink )

IAmTheGreatMoonGoddess says:

I've spent way too many years being in the kind of funk you're in. Why did I waste my time crushing on men who didn't know how valuable I was? I blamed myself when they didn't want me & ended up with bulimia or alot of plastic surgery. And I felt bad about these people for years! At some point I hope you can walk away from the old patterns. If you feel good about yourself, you can do anything. You are beautiful & smart, if someone doesn't see that, they shouldn't be worth your tears.
Posted 6 days ago. ( permalink )

54cermak says:

Just live your life and be proud of who you are. You're funny and smart and attractive and if people are so boxed in by what society is telling them to look for in a person thats their loss and they don't deserve you.

I'm so glad that I never let myself fall into that trap. I've been attracted to and in relationships with women of all shapes and sizes and if I had been a closed minded a-hole like these men you describe, I might have lost out on some of the best experiences in my life -- most importantly meeting my wife who is the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

Don't feel you need to be validated by someone else, youre the one with the gift to offer them. I realize this is easy for someone to say when theyre not living through it, but I've been on the other side too many times to know you should never give up.
Posted 6 days ago. ( permalink )

faintaxis says:

I gotta say I also identify with what you say.

It's got to the point now where I only have to look at some guys and my self worth just drops to nothing.

I feel like I should just lower my morals because that's all I'm good for.

It really sucks.... Sending you a massive hug right now (((((((((HUG)))))))))
Posted 6 days ago. ( permalink )

J8. says:

I might not be a female, but saying those things about yourself doesn't help any, the human mind is often the worst critic of things, not just what other people think, but what we think on our own, like calling yourself ugly, that is not exactly reinforcing or positive for you. You have your own best qualities and there is someone out there for you, someone who will respect you and like you for who you are.

Don't think like the others or about the ideas instilled in our minds by Hollywood and the media, being fat isn't bad (in my eyes and It should be in yours as well) It is a cruel world out there and people think fat is bad, but since when is thin or anything else exactly good? There will always be the one that can't see you for who you are and you know what, forget them, don't let it bug you day after day.

Love is no reason to attempt suicide, there is much more to life than that, not mention that suicide leaves people that care about you grieving, like family and friends.

Just hang in there, things will work out in time.
Posted 6 days ago. ( permalink )

thisisrobert says:

Y'all, the last time I tried to tell her all this she got P.O.'ed at me so I have left it be since then. But I do want to say that for the most part all of you are right.

And Anita, I have zero luck with relationships myself so I know how it is.

--
Seen on your photo stream. (?)
Posted 5 days ago. ( permalink )

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