zachary schwaller's photostream

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You caught me on a night that is following a particularly emotionally tumultuous day, so I apologize for the following because I imagine the world will look very different tomorrow. But at any rate:
I feel extremely uncomfortable here on campus, and I truly don't believe just changing to an art major is going to do anything to help me. In many ways I feel helpless, and every day it gets worse and I lose more and more control over my emotions and my ability to control them. I am staggered by the prospect of another 5 weeks continuing the way this one has -- and terrified of what may happen to me mentally and emotionally. I find people encourage me to "just do it, just do the work" as if it's something easily done. I find I'm giving up more and more on my school work and it terrifies me -- I never used to be this person. I used to be hopeful for myself and my future, and have goals and aspirations and since coming to UW -- Madison I'm not sure where all of that went. I've not been happy in almost a year.

On a personal level I feel isolated. I don't see a shadow of myself in anyone else.

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New Color Polaroids

(365/365)

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Well, I’m done. The photo, and in-camera multiple exposure, is a single frame from a film I made as a meaningful artistic end to the project.

Please view it here.

I used 4 rolls of C-41 black and white film, 114 still frames, shot entirely in 2 hours in my apartment in Madison. This was by far the most physically exhausting shoot I’ve ever done, not to mention the most mentally taxing – attempting to remain in a the same position while firing my camera’s self timer and moving little by little, for less than a minute of footage.. However I am extremely pleased with the outcome. In making it I took advantage of everything I’d learned about shooting photos in the past year, and while waiting for it to finish processing I was strikingly zen in calm because I knew regardless it would be an honest and accurate representation of this project.

The short, more or less, narrative is meant to represent my experiences with this project. A birth, life and experiences, a splitting of mental and physical character and a final reassessment of the physical world and what I have actually gained or lost in this project and year.
It signifies my death. It’s the death of the character in these photos which is, I think, an accurate end to a record of life.

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As a whole my feelings on this project are complicated. I’ve often felt cheated by my desire to create honest work. In my sensibility, my humility, my introspection, I made a lot of very real, and honest work. However the unfortunate side of these traits – especially when paired with my unwillingness to elaborate emotionally – is that a lot of their meaning is lost or dilute. So much so, I wager that more meaning falls in color and contrast than in actual content. My photos have not been an open book, I know this, and they have not once been easily interpreted. So from a social and humane stand point, I apologize to you for being so cryptic.

The question of the success of this project, or lack thereof, for me comes down to artistic legitimacy. My photos have been largely (or at least loudly) heralded by the above 40 older male gay flickr crowd, and the below 15 female tumblr scene. Anyone reading this who falls in between those extremes: god bless you, you are the only reason I’ve finished this project at all. My question of legitimacy, though, is not in those people’s hands, it isn’t in your hands. And as is so often true, what is popular is not necessarily the most true or the best. My standing as an artist is in my hands alone.

I can honestly say what I’ve learned this year had very little to do with photography. If you look from my first photo to this last photo you will see no astronomical alex-stoddard-style change in artistic quality or 3rd party interest. What I have learned was found in the music and the exploration. The act of performing this project. I’ve always been a resolved person who can quantify and express complex ideas well. What I have gained this year, is an emotional intelligence that has helped me astronomically, especially when considering my past. My emotional comeuppance. My Problems with love.

I set out in this project for revenge. To show everyone who has fucked me (literally and figuratively) that I indeed am still alive. I wanted to hurt the people who saw my face, I wanted them to remember my name and regret any way they’d wronged me. I wanted to hurt them like they’d hurt me, because the best revenge is a life well lived.
Now I realize that admission of that intention completely negates the whole life-well-lived thing because what am I doing but getting pissed off and obsessing?

The bright side is that those intentions have not remained. The emotional intelligence I’ve gained in this project has instilled in me what I believe is an extremely high level of maturity that has helped me move on regarding many of these emotional turmoils, as well as expertly informing the ones I am engrossed in today. And in that way I can say this project as success.
I’ve resolved more issues in my life by taking picture for a year, than a lifetime of therapy and medication has done for me. And for that I am extremely thankful to you, to myself, and to Kalli, to Kyle, to Davis, and to Nathan.

So the question of the future is the only thing left. Although I have grown so much, learned so much, I still have a few issues I need to sort out. I want to feel valuable again; I want to feel like I deserve love. I want to enforce my artistic standing and I want to be reverently confident and kind. I want to be a good person.
Unfortunately, the best way I can accomplish these goals is a hiatus from this website, a hiatus from the internet really. I need time. A long time to meditate. I need to change physically and emotionally. I want to evolve.

I’ve appreciated my time here, and thank you for reading this. I’m not 100% sure if it is at all relatable, or makes any sense, but the process of writing it has been therapeutic. Thank you for sticking with me.

(350/365)

headache. headache.

(349/365)

did i forget to upload yesterday?? Does anyone remember. i have completely lost track of my life.. no really did I upload yesterday.

Tag and his friend Jamie came and visited yesterday. Oh my god I don't think I uploaded? what is wrong with me, did I take a photo i cant remember anything. why is mY LIFE FALLING APART AROUND ME.

**edit, pretty sure i did upload yesterday nvm