arfism's photostream  

Sometimes you have this concept in your head and it looks fantastic but no matter how long you work on it, it just won't happen. Frustrating.

I've been meaning to do a series of portraits based on significant experiences and memories. My first one (this one, although I may attempt to redo it later on) is about my many years of solitude. When I was a teenager, my social anxiety started to kick in. I had no idea what was happening and found it really difficult relating to my friends when it came to our experiences with socializing. All my friends were hearing and I was the only Deaf one and I found it tough at times. When the social anxiety kicked in, it was just way too much to handle. Teen angst, puberty, drugs, social anxiety = nervous breakdown. It got so bad to the point where I couldn't do anything, I could barely leave the house without having an anxiety attack. Everything was terrifying. The bus. The bank. Grocery stores. Anywhere I felt like I was trapped with people = bad times.

I spent about 5 years focused on staying isolated. It was as if I knew I needed some "downtime" to eventually move on (nevermind that it took me uh 5 years of downtime). I went on medication for a few years. Focused on things that made me happy, even though people would try to pressure me into going out and being "a normal person" I mostly just ignored people and focused on art. This is when I discovered my love for fibre arts. I also became obsessed with the internet, experimenting with graphic and web design (a website dedicated to the teens from Days of Our Lives anyone?!), and that was my outlet for socialization for a long while. I actually look back quite fondly to this time of my life. It was when I started to listen to myself and do what I felt was right instead of forcing myself to do things that felt wrong and would leave me feeling miserable.

I still and probably always will still struggle with social anxiety but instead of desperately trying to deny that part of me and thinking that "if I just force myself..." things would be different, now I just listen to it. When it starts to get worse, it usually just means I need some time to myself and focus on art. I always come out stronger.

My love, Maya, taking some pictures while we were on Pender Island for the New Year.

A picture Maya took of me on our 2nd year anniversary. <3

To ring in the new year, my partner Maya and I decided to celebrate with our two good friends over on Pender Island. This is where the background in this portrait comes from. it was such a pleasure being in the forest. I miss living near nature. I feel silly saying that because even in Vancouver, the forest isn't that far away! But it's more far away than it was in Victoria for me. Living in a big city has definitely made me realize how easy it was in Victoria, everything was reachable within a 15 minute bike ride. Now it's different but I know that over time Vancouver will start feeling more familiar. It will be good to start feeling like I know where the good photo spots are. At this point I still have absolutely no idea where almost everything is.

What did I ever do without pincurls?