Jeana Marie Photography's photostream  

Every once and while I catch myself questioning, wondering where You are. Then I remember You are right here with me; You always have been, You always will be.

I am surrounded by the unknown, where darkness looms. Shadows lay in murky corners but with You, those corners turn to light; the corners of my heart are free and full of life.

I will bask in Your promise, I will bathe in Your light. And when I forget to remember who I am to You, I will close my eyes and focus on those corners of my heart You so richly blessed with Your life, Your promise, Your light, Your love.

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Please do press 'L' for ... Love

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It's hard to believe that just under two weeks ago I was out in California literally soaking up the warm sunshine. An unexpected adventure, an amazing journey -- that pretty much sums it up.

My dear friend Katie asked me if I would head out to California and assist her with a wedding. The answer seemed quite obvious especially since it was my ONLY free weekend during this entire month. It worked out perfectly.

She originally contacted me on the evening of January 2nd and I flew out on the evening of January 12th... Just like that I was on a plane from Minneapolis to Los Angeles and little did I know that there was more in store for me than a visit with a good friend and a Saturday full of wedding photography.

Something beautiful happened, something so profound. I never expected to find a piece of myself out in California but then again, it had been such a long time since that piece of me disappeared; I nearly forgot it existed in the first place. Joy.

Did you know a person could be happy without being joyful? I didn't... At least I hadn't realized it until I found it again; joy that is. I should say, it found me. And for the life of me I don't think I had anything to do with it.

I ended up letting go of some (emotional) stuff that I had been holding onto for quite a few years and finally allowed myself to remember what unfailing love feels like. Fifteen hundred miles away from home and I finally began to heal...

Tell me that isn't something beautiful.

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Press 'L' for ... Love

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Here is the deepest secret nobody knows. (Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide.) And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart).

E. E. Cummings

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This is a shot I came away with from a wedding I assisted on this last September. It's my favorite of them all and the reason why may not be as obvious to you as it is to me. See that little photo in the middle, the one wrapped around her bouquet? That's a photo of her and her Daddy from when she was a little girl. He wasn't there on her special day, at least not in the way most Daddy's are there for their daughters on the day of their wedding. Like me, her father passed away from an mean and ugly illness, cancer. My faith tells me he was there with her in spirit and I'm holding onto that faith that my Papa will be there with me on my special day. Whenever it may be...

As much as I enjoy photographing weddings, I wonder how much more I can take of the reminder that my Papa is gone. Seems a bit dramatic but each time is a bit more difficult than the last. All day long I wonder how the bride feels having her dad there. All day long I wonder how great it must feel to have her dad give her away. Then the reception comes along... I can pull myself together long enough to photograph the father/daughter dance and then I have to excuse myself so that I can pull it all in, collect my thoughts, and finish the job...

I haven't picked up my camera in... well, two months tomorrow. I take that back, I picked it up to move it when I was cleaning last week. Other than that, I haven't taken a photo since October 9, 2011. I'm not sure when the last time was that I went this long without taking a photo. I mean, I've made good (so to speak) use of my iPhone camera but in the grand scheme of things, it's not the same thing.

Somewhere along the way the one thing I found refuge in became the one thing that I find myself turning away from and I'm not entirely sure how to change it.

I've been away for a while, a long while. Life here has been insanely busy and full of numerous ups and downs. Too many to focus on at the moment. For now I will say I hope you are all doing well and embracing the changes around you.

Hope to spend more time here soon...

This is an image similar to one I've posted before however this showcases all the lines a bit better and the more I compare the two, the more I like this one.

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I like the idea that the more focused we are on something, the better chance it has to happen. Focus. I've been having some problems focusing lately and mainly it's due to stress. I hate that word, stress. Seems like such an awful waste of time, to stress about things. Lately however, it seems to be what I'm most consistent with, stressing. (notice a pattern....)

Both of my jobs have been keeping me busy, insurance agent by day, photographer by night and weekend. I wish I could say I love them both equally, but I'm afraid that would be a lie. At this point, I am tired of both and for me to say that about photography breaks my heart a little. I know it's just a phase, one brought on by working way too much and not allowing myself a bit of rest. You see, I have this addiction, a very difficult addiction that is hard to shake. It's called, 'The girl just cannot say 'no' when she should.'

That's right, I'm addicted to telling people 'yes' when I should politely decline the business and refer them to another photographer friend.

On top of that, there are other stress-causing things going on in my life right now and I'm simply trying to juggle everything at once; it's obviously not working. I'm getting burnt out and the more I think about what I have to do, what I should do, the things that need to get done, the more stressed I become.

One step at a time... one thought at a time. I need to focus intensely on one thing at a time; one job at a time. And I need to remember why I love photography because right at this moment, I seem to have forgotten.

That admission, that small statement is far more stressful than anything else going on in my life at this moment.
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Press 'L' for ... Love

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