Aidan Irving Craig. My son and now only child would have been 15 now, hard to believe. If this it too heavy for some of you, tough!! I live with this every day of my life for the rest of my life! I don't have a grave to go to and I didn't even get ashes (even though some people do I don't know why I didn’t), so have no place to visit. This is the only way I can do a tribute, apart from lighting a candle. Its only been since 2010 that ive had a memorial seat put in a coastal area I used to go on hols with my parents…now that they are both gone too, it is in memory of them too.

I have no other family to remember him with me, as my already widowed mother suffered from dementia for 9 years finally passed away 3 days before Aidan’s 13th angelversary in Aug 2009. I also had no partner; he lost touch during my pregnancy. I met him abroad when I played in a band I was touring with and played bass - he played in another band and was from Birmingham, (I live in Glasgow), so it was difficult to begin with, but he couldn't even be bothered to keep in touch even after what happened. I hadn’t heard from him for ages before I lost baby, but he phoned out the blue 3 months after funeral and I was so angry I hung up…but he never had the nerve to phone again even though my no. hadn’t changed. I had already given up the band to look after myself so that was a loss in itself, but I was still looking forward to being a first time Mum at 28.

I will never know the real reason why I lost Aidan, (I agreed to a post mortem, but they couldn’t find anything unexplained), but I had to move because my landlord wanted to refurbish my flat so he could claim more rent money and I was up and down stairs at 7 and half months pregnant, - it so happened it was the same stressful week I got told there was no heartbeat during my usual routine scan. I had to be taken into the hospital that night knowing my baby was dead (they allowed my mother who was still well at the time thank God, to stay in the ward over night with me). The next morning they induced me. I got given gas and air, also a dimorphine drip, so I was out of it by time I gave birth later that night at 10.31pm. This was when I also got told the umbilical cord was twisted round the neck and shoulder (which could have been another cause). He weighed only 1. 32 kg. I held him very briefly, but I was so exhausted and drugged I handed him back before I flaked out on the bed exhausted. The next day, I got given cornflakes to eat…which I couldn’t as I was still very woozy and I had no appetite, don’t think I had an appetite for months after all this. Then I got taken for a shower to freshen up. Then the nurse took me and my mum downstairs to where Aidan lay…in a small moses basket with a blanket round him. I felt very strange and did not know what to do…the nurse asked if I wanted to hold him, which I did, but I felt like he was so fragile he would break in my arms and I did not hold him very tightly. I did not even unwrap him from the blanket to look at the rest of his little body, as I felt that would have been disrespectful. He was cold and blue and it felt so surreal the whole thing. I’m glad my mum was there at the time, I remember a huge tear falling from her face as she looked at him. I took a couple of photos from a non digi camera…which is all I had then, but they didn’t turn out very well. I wish I had thought of getting the nurse to take a photo of me holding him and my mum holding him and all 3 of us together, but I didn’t know about that then either. (I only know these things as since I got online I’ve seen others online photos with family holding their precious babies). The hospital did take their own photos and also hand and footprints which I feel is all I have.

Aidan’s funeral was a week later on Friday 30th August 1996. All I remember was carrying his tiny white coffin on my lap, in the hearse, I so wish Id taken a photo of it and other things, (I didn’t have digi photos and pc back then, that wasn’t till many years later, and I hadn’t heard of anyone doing this so it would have seemed inappropriate) and I wish I had asked for the blanket he had been wrapped in at the hospital. Rutherglen Maternity has now since closed and is no longer there. The hosp had organised the funeral, as well as myself…I remember walking to the Co-op funeral care on my own and also buying flowers as if nothing had happened…I guess I was still in shock. I wish I hadn’t used them now, as since I’ve learned that other even smaller babies than Aidan were offered ashes and an urn…I didn’t know any better at the time. I still don’t know the real reason I wasn’t given this. Even today the Co-op says that babies don’t get ashes! The funeral was painful enough, but little did I know it was the last time I would see one of my new found friends Val, who commited suicide about 3 weeks later. Then I found out another old friend Jamie died about a month after that. Needless to say this was the worst year of my life. I thought the year my Dad died was in 1992, 4 years earlier, but at the time, that came a close second. I went to my first ever SANDS remembrance service only weeks after this, and I was just coming out of shock I think at the time…I had a massive panic attack and had to run out the church. I was sick outside…it was only water as I still couldn’t eat. This was when my awful panic attacks started happening and I became a recluse, hardly going out for a very long time after this. I would break out in sweats and feel sick anytime I had to go out, go on a bus, wait in queues in shops or post office…I couldn’t do anything anymore.

As well as the panic attacks, I went through several years of severe depression and chronic anxiety (which I was already prone to but never quite as bad). I used alcohol to cope for about 6 years, and also anti depressants on and off for about 9 years.

I was just beginning to recover in 2000 (4 years later) but then my mum took ill with dementia and I became her sole carer, and this brought made my depression/anxiety worse again, as I was worried sick. I started seeing someone who turned out to be a con man that took advantage and ripped me and my mum off - money, her engagement/wedding rings disappeared, fraud, and my pets all mysteriously died and other nasty stuff- another long story, he did it all deliberately- he got away with it even though police knew! They admitted he had a criminal record but still there wasn’t enough “proof” apparently to charge him!

It has only been since 2002 since I met my present partner that things started to get a bit better. I stopped drinking so much and stopped the pills without the doctor’s help! Then started doing short courses and eventually ended up back at college, and now I’m qualified to do massage and aromatherapy and continuing to learn other holistic therapies.

The only dilemma now, is now that I’m older, I have been wanting to try for a baby again but I am so scared especially now I’m in late 30s, but I also don't want to miss out altogether. We have been trying on and off for few years now but it hasn't happened, now I get the feeling it never will. I just don't know what to do, my situation isn't great, as I’m still at college on benefits, my partner works over 35 miles away, I only see him at weekends, so don't have much time or energy for intimacy. He has to drive back and from some eve’s but only here a couple of hours or so. I live in a one-bed roomed poky wee tenement. I have no other family to help out - my poor mum had 2 miscarriages after me (one was a boy at 20 weeks) and she was in her forties- something I did not want to repeat. In those days, she never got to see them, so they weren’t named or acknowledged and I feel I grieve for them now more than I ever have. So I have no brothers or sisters or nieces or nephews either. I won’t even be an aunt. It's so hard watching other people’s families and their kids grow up so quickly. I can't help feeling envious of them, some people don't realise how lucky they are. I feel my life has passed me by before it started and nothing good ever happens.

This is an update, the end of another year....Well there are no easy ways to put the way I feel deep down and its hard being on your own without anyone really knowing how I feel, I have to put on a brave face at the best of times. I have been pretty low lately due to another year passing and still haven't been able to conceive. I feel that life is passing me by and that I am just not good enough, it’s very hard to explain. I also feel that I may be kidding myself on and perhaps just wanting to fill the terrible gap that not having Aidan around left behind. And perhaps I am being selfish at my age to keep trying...(As I know only too well what its like to be left without a family on my own, as I had older parents). It is also very hard keeping up the courage to keep trying after the first time that's well over 3 years now and Ill be another year older next birthday. I have to wait months in-between tests and my next one is on Jan 21, and I think this time it’s about my fallopian tubes... (a tubes were clear btw). I am now too old for IVF in my area on the NHS, unless I go private and pay loads of money I don't have!

Well another update and another year. I’m now 40 and its 2009, my depression has come back with a vengeance and after all the years off them, I’m back on these damn anti-depressants even though I feel they don’t help. The last year and this Xmas and new year have been the worst for many years since before meeting Graeme, as nothing has went right with a run of major bad luck, just feel I’m cursed in this life and in all honesty with no future to look forward to...still jobless, still childless and having to deal with financial problems on top.

ANOTHER UPDATE NOV 09...ONE OF THE WORST YEARS AND HALF...Since my laparoscopy and been diagnosed with “unexplained” infertility...and I STILL haven’t been able to find work after years of hard work at college even though qualified in many therapies. This year my cat has died after spending in total 4 grand in vet bills, (which could have been 1 round of IVF!!!), my aunt died on hogmanay, my uncle has prostate cancer and I’ve been to other funerals too, including a friend in thirties...then after 6 months of visiting mum as much as I could...I got told this is it...she eventually passed away on Aug 20th 2009. She was 81. Hopefully she’s at peace now, and now with my Dad and my son Aidan. I always wanted to make her a gran, I guess if there is a spirit world I’m hoping she is now and there with my Dad and son. Its now 3 months on...and I’ve just finished first ever round of clomid...a fertility drug...why doc hasn’t tried me on this years ago? Well she said it’s because I’m still ovulating I don’t need it...but I’m 41 it may not work still. I have another 2 months supply...but I’ve also been told before my mum died, that I only have a year, now less than that left, to try IVF if I ever go for it because of my age....sigh, but I’m now grieving all over...its never ending and there’s never any closure...this story will continue....

Update 8th May 2010...well the clomid didn’t work...after 6 cycles of 50mg (also found out it shouldn’t have been given for unexplained cases like ours). Not to get any more, don’t know why except its maybe because it’s a further risk of ovarian cancer and my age (which will be 42 this August). So now, it looks like the dreaded and expensive IVF is looming...we have more tests (bloods and sperm) just to update and then were back in end of June to confirm and pay the massive 4 grand just for 1 round which is still only 5-10% chance of success due to my age. But if I don’t try now, I never will as it will be too late, their cut off age is 42 (43 for some clinics, and its 55 if your eggs are no longer working, and you need a donor egg). But I never wanted to be this old, and also I am petrified of the procedures...I have also started seeing a hypnotherapist, and also joined curves the woman’s gym to try get fitter mentally and physically for this (both means even more money). And I’m only getting DLA benefit...but we have to move on to next step so I can say at least I tried if the long awaited miracle doesn’t happen...lets hope it does though. Please pray, send reiki, healing whatever for us. Plus I still miss my mum so much, I can’t believe it’s only been nearly 9 months since she passed. Also my old friend Billy died over a month ago at just 65 after 3 awful years of cancer...he was the person that was with me with I got told my baby Aidan was dead...thank god I had someone like him with me that day or I would’ve heard the awful news alone. He was like an uncle to me years ago. Miss all those I love that have passed so so much. :(

Another update. My partner's Dad passed away on 14th May 2010 of a stroke at 71. R.I.P. Mr Sprott. If our long awaited miracle ever happens, there is only 1 grandparent left now. :(

Update...I have just had another death in the uncle John passed away on 20th November 2010 (prostate cancer) he took bad reaction to chemo. He was the only sibling (of 8) left, from my mum's side. I have only got distant cousins who I rarely see or hear from left, and 2 uncles (1 in care all his life), and an elderly aunt on my dad's side left. I only hear from 1 of them now and then. That has been over 10 deaths in almost 2 years. :( My more recent infertility story and all the deaths around that is in more detail in the flickr below. THE IVF DIDN’T WORK…long story…please read rest of story if interested in my Infertility set where this story continues…

PLEASE, don't ask me if I'm over it yet.
I'll never be over it.
PLEASE, don't tell me he's in a better place.
He isn't here with me.
PLEASE, don't say at least he isn't suffering.
I haven't come to terms with why he had to suffer at all.
PLEASE, don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost a child.
PLEASE, don't ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
PLEASE, don't tell me at least you had him for a little while.
When would you choose for your child to die?
PLEASE, don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.
PLEASE, just say you're sorry.
PLEASE, just say you remember my child, if you do.
PLEASE, just let me talk about my child.
PLEASE, mention my child's name.
PLEASE, just let me cry.
~Author Unknown~

To those who say to get on with my life, I have.
It is a different life, the life of a grieving mother.
One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for,
but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of!

I’ve loved my child right from the start
A feeling that’s filled my entire heart
I went through the labour and suffered the pain
For many long hours with nothing to gain
I’ve spent sleepless nights being awake
Though it’s been a while my arms they still ache
I’ve sat and I’ve wondered of how he would grow
The love of my family that he’d come to know
The sound of his voice as he learns to talk
Watching his steps as he tries to walk
I have a child that I really love so
I am his mother yet nobody knows
I spent all those months feeling him grow
I’ve lived through it all and have nothing to show
I don’t get invited to chat with young mothers
Because I don’t have a baby like all of the others
I’ve got some stretch marks that I’d like to hide
But I don’t have a pram with a baby inside
The people I’ve known for so many years
They now avoid me, which adds to my tears
I don’t know how long I’ll be feeling like this
But one thing I know my baby I miss
When Mothers Day comes it will be very hard
I won’t have any flowers – not even a card
And just because he’s not here with me
I still have a son I wish I could see
But one thing I know and this is for sure
I’ll be his mother for evermore
~Author Unknown

Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks,
she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity

A Child that loses a parent is an orphan,
A Man who loses his wife is a widower,
A Woman who loses her husband is a widow,
However, there is no name for a parent that loses a child,
For there is no word to describe such pain.

And my ongoing infertility story...Infertility hurts, especially after loss set...
2,572 photos · 13 videos · 3,890 views
1 3 4 5 6 7 ••• 25 26