Arbusto... The Moronarch

July 26, 2007 - New Orleans, LA. The following is a satirical speech to you - being a fellow hater of evil and lover of freedom and Democracy - by GEORGE W. BUSH. Put together by me, The Voice of Eye - with only the modest use of lead-ins, conjunctions, and other well-documented facts - this fictitious monologue has been constructed using over one-hundred of the dumbest quotes our twice democratically elected "Mr. Punch"-in-Charge has uttered over the past eight years...

 

Note: with the exception of a few statements between quotations with a (*) and modifiers in [brackets], all statements between quotations are legitimate, documented quotes.

 

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The White House Press Secretary announces, "Hello everyone... and thank you for coming. (a brief moment of silence) And now, I'd like to again introduce to you, The President of the United States and the leader of the free world... George Walker Bush. (*)"

 

(huge, adoring applause, everyone stands, the audience starts to chant in-unison "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!)

 

Fox News anchorman Chris Wallace comments, "For our radio listeners, George W. Bush is stepping out from behind the curtain... wait, it looks like he's tripped on his shoe lace... no... wait, he's wearing flip flops. He's recovered... He's okay. There he goes... He's safely behind the podium. Wait a minute! Someone is screaming something in the back of the room... what's that? Oh, he's saying 'Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!'. Heh! I guess that's a reference to the Wizard of Oz. The administration screens so thoroughly these days, so I can't imagine how these loud mouths get into these proceedings. There we go, he's being forcibly removed by Homeland Security. (*)"

 

"Now the President is tapping on the microphone. He gestures to Vice President Dick Cheney, saying something in his ear. (*)"

 

(heard in the background) President Bush says, "How are you Dick? (*)"

 

(heard in the background) Vice President Cheney responds, "Except for the occasional heart attack, I never felt better."

 

Chris Wallace continues his commentary... "Vice President Cheney steps back toward the statue of lady justice, her bosom tastefully covered by an American flag. Heh! The President is picking his nose with his right hand. Again, he's tapping on the microphone. Wait, I think Mr. Bush is about to say something... (*)"

 

Heh! Y'know, that's what I appreciate about our Vice President... having gone through so much lately, being on the brink of death for years and having mistakenly shot a man in the face, "I think that [he] is a person reflecting a half-glass-full mentality."

 

"Anyhow, Hello my fellow Americans... Ahh, hello Helen. (*)"

 

"I always jest to people, the Oval Office is the kind of place where people stand outside, they're getting ready to come in and tell me what for, and they walk in and get overwhelmed by the atmosphere. And they say 'man, you're looking pretty.'" Anyhow, for those of you here in the White House for the very first time, welcome.

 

"You know, when I campaigned... in 2000, I said, I want to be a war President. No President wants to be a war President, but I am one." "Politics comes and goes, but your principles don't. And everybody wants to be loved -- not everybody. ... You never heard anybody say, 'I want to be despised, I'm running for office.'" "You know, I guess I'm like any other political figure: Everybody wants to be loved." So I say out loud and with pride, "If people want to get to know me better, they've got to know my parents and the values my parents instilled in me, and the fact that I was raised in West Texas, in the middle of the desert, a long way away from anywhere, hardly. There's a certain set of values you learn in that experience."

 

Now don't get me wrong, I've got buddies in West Texas. "I like my buddies from West Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them then I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president." But "My job is a job to make decisions. I'm a decision -- if the job description were, what do you do -- it's decision maker." "I'm the commander -- see, I don't need to explain -- I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being the president. Maybe somebody needs to explain to me why they say something, but I don't feel like I owe anybody an explanation." "I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe — I believe what I believe is right." And darnit, "If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator."

 

Now I'll tell ya, "These stories about my intellectual capacity really get under my skin. You know, for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, 'Intelligence Briefing.'" "They misunderestimated me." "I'm going to try to see if I can remember as much to make it sound like I'm smart on the subject." Hmmmm, let's see. How does it go? Okay, "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

 

Listen here... "[T]he illiteracy level of our children are appalling." "Reading is the basics for all learning." "We must have the attitude that every child in America – regardless of where they're raised or how they're born — can learn." "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." Heck, even "I've coined new words, like, 'misunderstanding' and 'Hispanically'.

 

"Anybody who is in a position to serve this country ought to understand the consequences of words." When I'm on vacation at the ranch, "I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably reading the news themselves." Once "I said I was looking for a book to read. Laura said you ought to try Camus (which was phonetically pronouced kam.uss). I also read three Shakespeares. ... I've got a eck-a-lec-tic reading list." Did you know "The interesting thing about [George Washington] is that I read three -- three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?" But "You know, sometimes when you study history, you get stuck in the past."

 

All that aside, "I feel the comfort and the power of knowing that literally millions of Americans I'm never going to meet... say my name to the Almighty every day and ask him to help me." And ain't it true that "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." Heck, I remember meeting this single mother of three children in Omaha, Nebraska. I said to her, "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." "And one thing we want during this war on terror is for people to feel like their life's moving on, that they're able to make a living and send their kids to college and put more money on the table." "You're working hard to put food on your family." "I tell people, let's don't fear the future, let's shape it."

 

"This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." and "You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." But "The United States of America is engaged in a war against an extremist group of folks." And though "I think we [were] welcomed... it was not a peaceful welcome." Nonetheless, "I can look you in the eye and tell you I feel I've tried to solve the problem diplomatically to the max, and would have committed troops both in Afghanistan and Iraq knowing what I know today." "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." But "After standing on [that] stage, after the debates, I made it very plain, we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week — we will have an all-volunteer army!" Nonetheless, "People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you."

 

Listen... "Iraq is a very important part of securing the homeland, and it's a very important part of helping change the Middle East into a part of the world that will not serve as a threat to the civilized world, to people like -- or to the developed world, to people like -- in the United States." "King Abdullah of Jordan, the King of Morocco, I mean, there's a series of places - Qatar, Oman - I mean, places that are developing - Bahrain - they're all developing the habits of free societies."

 

As for Africa, "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." But "Wow! Brazil is big." And did you know they "...have blacks too?" As for Sweden, "I don't know why [we're] talking about Sweden. They're the neutral one. They don't have an army." But "The relations with, uhh -- Europe are important relations, and they've, uhh -- because, we do share values. And, they're universal values, they're not American values or, you know -- European values, they're universal values. And those values -- uhh -- being universal, ought to be applied everywhere."

 

You know, my fellow Americans, let me be completely frank with you... "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." "We need to counter the shockwave of the evildoer by having individual rate cuts accelerated and by thinking about tax rebates." But "Trying to stop suiciders -- which we're doing a pretty good job of on occasion -- is difficult to do. And what the Iraqis are going to have to eventually do is convince those who are conducting suiciders who are not inspired by Al Qaeda, for example, to realize there's a peaceful tomorrow." Just recently, "The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the - the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people. And we will bring them to justice." "[T]he best way to find these terrorists who hide in holes is to get people coming forth to describe the location of the hole, is to give clues and data."

 

"See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction." "It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way." "Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat." Whereas, "Suiciders are willing to kill innocent life in order to send the projection that this is an impossible mission." and "I would guess, I would surmise that some of the more spectacular bombings are done by al Qaeda suiciders." "My answer is bring them on."

 

"Some call this civil war; others call it emergency -- I call it pure evil." "When I was a kid I remember that they used to put out there in the Old West a wanted poster. It said, Wanted: Dead or Alive." Having said this, "The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." But "When I take action, I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt. It's going to be decisive." Honestly though, "I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." Because "There's no doubt in my mind that we should allow the world worst leaders to hold America hostage, to threaten our peace, to threaten our friends and allies with the world's worst weapons."

 

My fellow Americans, "I was a prisoner too, but for bad reasons." "Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is... I talk to families who die." And gosh, "It's a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life." "I think war is a dangerous place." But keep this in mind, "We're kicking ass." And I am looking forward to being able to once again say to the Iraqis, "You're free. And freedom is beautiful. And, you know, it'll take time to restore chaos and order - order out of chaos. But we will."

 

Heh! Take a look at this... "As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself... in combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me a little scratch. As a matter of fact, the Colonel asked if I needed first aid when she first saw me. I was able to avoid any major surgical operations..." As for a cedar, I need say no more than the following... "Arbolist … Look up the word. I don't know, maybe I made it up. Anyway... an arbo-tree-ist [is] somebody who knows about trees."

 

[clearing throat] "People don't need to worry about security. This deal wouldn't go forward if we were concerned about the security for the United States of America." Heck, "The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September the 11th." "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Strategically speaking, "One has a stronger hand when there's more people playing your same cards." And speaking of hands, "I [was] honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."

 

"I like to tell people when the final history is written on Iraq, it will look like just a comma because there is -- my point is, there's a strong will for democracy." And "There's a lot of people in the world who don't believe that people whose skin color may not be the same as ours can be free and self-govern. I reject that. I reject that strongly. I believe that people who practice the Muslim faith can self-govern. I believe that people whose skins aren't necessarily - are a different color than white can self-govern."

 

"I strongly believe what we're doing is the right thing. If I didn't believe it -- I'm going to repeat what I said before -- I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out." "No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that." "More Muslims have died at the hands of killers than - I say more Muslims - a lot of Muslims have died - I don't know the exact count - at Istanbul. Look at these different places around the world where there's been tremendous death and destruction because killers kill."

 

"Either we'll succeed, or we won't succeed. And the definition of success as I described is sectarian violence down. Success is not no violence." "The solution to Iraq -- an Iraq that can govern itself, sustain itself and defend itself -- is more than a military mission. Precisely the reason why I sent more troops into Baghdad." "The only way we can win is to leave before the job is done."

 

As for what happened along the Gulf Coast and in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, "I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees." While doing a fly-by in Air Force One, I remember looking down and saying to my aides, "It's totally wiped out. ... It's devastating, it's got to be doubly devastating on the ground."

 

It's unfortunate that it had to happen on Senator McCain's birthday and two days before my vacation at the Ranch ended. But heck, I got to play guitar with country singer Mark Willis. And Condi had a Broadway show and the US Open to attend, not to mention she had to shop for a pair of some very expensive shoes; and Rummy had a Padres game to go to. Who knows where Dick was?

 

Then there was all this unnecessarily impolite press...

 

When I went down to the 17th Street Canal for a briefing come photo-op, Senator Mary Landrieu had to spill the beans, mentioning to the press afterward that “Touring this critical site yesterday with the President, I saw what I believed to be a real and significant effort to get a handle on a major cause of this catastrophe. Flying over this critical spot again this morning, less than 24 hours later, it became apparent that yesterday we witnessed a hastily prepared stage set for a Presidential photo opportunity; and the desperately needed resources we saw were this morning reduced to a single, lonely piece of equipment.”

 

And then, my sworn arch-enemy, the evil supervillian Fidel Castro, revealed that Tuesday, the day after the flooding began, the very last day of my vacation... he offered no less than 1,100 doctors to assist in dealing with the crisis. If I had accepted the Cuban offer, heck, how would that have made me look? It seemed like everything was going smoothly. In fact, I remember saying, “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job.” On the positive side, many people had reached the Houston Astrodome safely. My momma said that "What [she was] hearing which is sort of scary [was] that they all want[ed] to stay in Texas. Everybody [was] so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena [t]here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so [that] (chuckle), [that was] working very well for them."

 

Listen... "Home is important. It's important to have a home." And as for the Gulf Coast? "It's a heck of a place to bring your family." "We've [still] got a lot of rebuilding to do. First, we're going to save lives and stabilize the situation. And then we're going to help these communities rebuild. The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch." "My thoughts... we're going to get somebody who knows what they're talking about when it comes to rebuilding cities."

 

The Katrina fiasco was a stressful time in my presidency, but in times like that, technology helps me work through it. "Occasionally. One of the things I've used on the Google is to pull up maps. It's very interesting to see -- I've forgot the name of the program -- but you get the satellite, and you can -- like, I kinda like to look at the ranch. It reminds me of where I wanna be sometimes." Being at the ranch gives me the opportunity "...to go for longer runs, but it's tough around here at the White House on the outdoor track. It's sad that I can't run longer. It's one of the saddest things about the presidency."

 

Well, I'll be leaving office soon... But if I had been able to overturn term limits, and I could run again in 2008, I'd run on the following platform:

 

Before I get started, if you have any questions, I only ask you write them down for me "ahead of time so I can plan for it... I'm sure something will pop into my head... with all the pressure of trying to come up with an answer... I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't — you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one."

 

Okay...

 

With regard to the health care industry, "One of my concerns is that the health care not be as good as it can possibly be." and that "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."

 

As for the national debt and our economy, "My plan [would] reduce the national debt, and fast. So fast, in fact, that economists [would] worry that we're going to run out of debt to retire." And at this moment, "we rank 10th amongst the industrialized world in broadband technology and its availability. That's not good enough for America. Tenth is 10 spots too low as far as I'm concerned."

 

With regard to the environment, "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." I also think "It would be helpful if we opened up ANWR (Arctic National Wildlife Refuge). I think it's a mistake not to. And I would urge you all to travel up there and take a look at it, and you can make the determination as to how beautiful that country is."

 

"I'm [also] a strong proponent of the restoration of the wetlands, for a lot of reasons. There's a practical reason, though, when it comes to hurricanes: The stronger the wetlands, the more likely the damage of the hurricane." "I think -- tide turning -- see, as I remember -- I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of -- it's easy to see a tide turn -- did I say those words?"

 

Anyhow, as for our energy concerns, "The California crunch [was] really the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants." So, "We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."

 

About poverty in the US, "Our country puts $1 billion a year up to help feed the hungry. And we're by far the most generous nation in the world when it comes to that, and I'm proud to report that. This isn't a contest of who's the most generous. I'm just telling you as an aside. We're generous. We shouldn't be bragging about it. But we are. We're very generous."

 

With regard to crime, I was shocked to learn that "For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."

 

As for illegal immigrants, "Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better", but "Amnesty means that you've got to pay a price for having been here illegally." "There are jobs Americans aren't doing. ... If you've got a chicken factory, a chicken-plucking factory, or whatever you call them, you know what I'm talking about."

 

Regarding the fetus, "My pro-life position is I believe there's life. It's not necessarily based in religion. I think there's a life there, therefore the notion of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

 

Finally, as for the war in Iraq, in Afghanistan, and on terror, "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere!" And "I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." "We will make sure our troops have all that is necessary to complete their missions. That's why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental — supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel." Heck, "One of the most meaningful things that's happened to me since I've been the governor - the president - governor - president. Oops! Ex-governor. I went to Bethesda Naval Hospital to give a fellow a Purple Heart, and at the same moment I watched him - get a Purple Heart for action in Iraq - and at that same - right after I gave him the Purple Heart, he was sworn in as a citizen of the United States - a Mexican citizen, now a United States citizen.

 

Listen... "I've been in politics long enough to know that polls just go poof at times." But "I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure." "I [also] think it's very important for world leaders to understand that when a new administration comes in, the new administration will be running the foreign policy." Now "There's a lot of blowhards in the political process, you know, a lot of hot-air artists, people who have got something fancy to say." Me? "I'm the master of low expectations." "I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things." In fact, "It's amazing I won [in 2000]. I was running against peace, prosperity, and incumbency." "There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead." But hey, "I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job." And "I've got God's shoulder to cry on. And I cry a lot. I do a lot of crying in this job. I'll bet I've shed more tears than you can count, as president."

 

In the end, "You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone." I'm sure "The future will be better tomorrow." In fact, "there are some who would like to rewrite history - revisionist historians is what I like to call them." "My attitude is, if they're still writing about [number] one [referring to George Washington], (number) 43 doesn't need to worry about it."

 

Heck (chuckle), "If [the historians are] going to fuck me, [they'll] have to kiss me first."

 

(unprecedented applause by his political base, kazoos making that noise that kazoos make, red-white-and-blue streamers flying)

 

Fox News anchorman Chris Wallace comments, "Look at him. What a proud and confident man. He looks as though the bases were loaded, and he's hit a home run with this speech... He's stepping away from the podium, shaking a few hands. He's on his way out... but wait. He can't seem to get the door open. He's pulling... pulling. He's got that frustrated look on his face, like when John Kerry made him look foolish in the 2004 Presidential debates. There he goes... and aide pushes the door open for him and the Secret Service quickly moves him through to the back. (*)"

 

"Thank you for listening to Fox News... (*)" "Real Journalism, Fair and Balanced"

Done