bitzcelt's photostream  

O Christmas Whisky! O Christmas Whisky!
Much pleasure thou can'st give me;
O Christmas Whisky! O Christmas Whisky!
Much pleasure thou can'st give me;
How often has the Christmas Whisky
Afforded me the greatest glee!
O Christmas Whisky! O Christmas Whisky!
Much pleasure thou can'st give me.

My wife is always at a loss for what to get me. I tell her that I always appreciate another addition to my Single Malt Whisky Collection. She tells me that she doesn't know which one to get. I say what ever I don't already have is fine with me. So year after year I end up getting socks and underwear. So this year I told her exactly which one to buy. I would have to say that this tastes much better than socks and underwear.

"For crying out loud, would you knock it off with the pictures and just drink it"-----My Wife from Christmas night.

Sniggle-fritz is our Elf. More specifically he is my children’s Elf. He has a simple job. During the day he sits on a shelf and watches the kids. Each night he magically comes to life and flies back to the North Pole to tell Santa who has been naughty and who has been nice. When my children awake in the morning they are surprised to find that Sniggle-fritz is resting in a different spot after his trip to see Santa. Each morning they race down stairs to see where Sniggle-fritz will be this time.

Everything was going well for a while, and then I noticed some strange things were starting to happen. In the morning we would find broken ornaments on the floor by the Christmas tree, almost like they had been thrown off. One day all of the candy had been picked off of the gingerbread house. Another day I had found three empty bags of Christmas cookies on the couch, crumbs everywhere. Then, things got really bad. My new bottle of 18 year old Scotch tasted like it had been watered down, quite a bit I might add. A bottle of champagne that we were saving for New Years Eve was missing. One night I woke up and could swear that I smelt cigarette smoke coming from downstairs.

Today when I got up I noticed that my wallet was open on the counter. It didn’t take me long to realize that all of my cash and credit cards were gone. Sniggle-fritz was nowhere to be found. My kids were sad at his strange disappearance. I was more than a little suspicious. Looking out the front window I saw that my car was resting in the middle of the front yard with one flat tire and a big dent in the fender. A couple of the neighbors were standing around gawking as I walked out to examine the damage. I opened the door to be greeted by the stench of stale beer. Sure enough, there had to be at least thirty five empty beer cans strewn about and a some crumpled up wrappers from an all night taco shop.

Fearing the worse, I went in and called my credit card company. That damned Sniggle-fritz and his buddies blew two thousand dollars at a strip club on lap dances and cheap booze. Now I know what Santa really means when he says “Ho! Ho! Ho!” “Take me to the strip club!“ I guess he likes the naughty ones after all. There is no way that the credit card company is going to believe me. That Elf is not welcome back here next Christmas, I don‘t care how much my kids cry for him

These are not blackbirds, they are vultures. More specifically they are what I call Young Upwardly Mobile Suburbanite Scavengers (YUMSS), and their population has exploded. I have seen them circling over my head as I am cutting the grass on a hot summer day. I suppose they would eat me given the chance, but there is no shortage of food for them. Years ago man killed off the major predators of the area, the wolves and cougars. So, with the predators gone the deer population exploded. When man decided it was nice to live in the suburbs the automobile became the new predator at the top of the food chain. So the new food chain is: car hits deer, vulture eats deer, man takes car to mechanic to be repaired, mechanic gets money, mechanic buys new car, car hits deer....

"Deer crashes result in at least $1.1 billion a year in vehicle damage, says the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety" -USA Today

I should post this picture on the facebook page of the manufacturer of the weed killer that I have been using for the last five years.

Happy T-Day to all who are so inclined.