light_heart!'s photostream  

Literally in every aspect of my life!! I'm not in love, but I love someone (someone new!). I've cut the past out of my future and there is light at the end of the tunnel! I'm moving into a new apt, starting a new job and training 5 days a week for tough mudder! I have a very very very beloved friend who supports me, loves me, and is above all entirely in my life to keep encouraging me to be true to myself and go for the things I want. :) we had a previous post about this person. You know who I'm talking about. So while I'm learning about patience and loving and trusting myself, I'm sharing my journey with someone awesome and I couldn't be happier. Life is perfect, if it wasn't it'd be different!!

Oh man!! What a crazy ride i have taken and what a crazy place i have ended up in!

For starters, it was my birthday recently, yay im 26! And two days later i finished my last shift as a nursing student and my next shift will be at my new job as a Registered Nurse (yes i will capitalize it!). I passed my History with 82% and got my credits transferred so i will be graduating in June, now i just need to pass my canadian exam to get my real license yay! So i have to start studying for that, and i entered into a transformation challenge (exercise challenge) that starts may 12th. get me all trained up for tough mudder.

James came and visited me also. He just left today. Oh man what an adventure!! First of all first adventure where there was no lies between us, everything was on the table. Second we were both not as naive as we both have been on previous visits, third we both had a FANTASTIC time. Though it was a little rough at times, i told the truth about Jeff, and how i felt and sometimes he had concerns about our future friendship etc, overall it was mostly a lovely time. We spent a week in banff, calgary lake louise, and the second week we spent in my town doing random things. This picture was taken on top of Knox mountain where i live. We spent the day hiking and going to the beach. We spent a lot of time talking about what we want, our future and watching oprah's lifeclass (which james ended up loving haha). We both felt like we healed substantially, but i know there is still something missing. I know that i want a friendship that is free from our contaminated past, free me asking about christina, and him not asking about jeff or past relationships. I know that we cant make that space from this space, just from the experiences we shared. So weve opted to not speak to each other until we are ready. Which means i am unfriending him from fb along with all of his friends. I might even put jeff on a hiatus until i am strong enough not to ask about james. Theyre not on the same base anymore, but its a little close to home for comfort. I will have to meditate on it.

I have bought a journal which will be my gratitude journal, i will write 5 things a day that i am grateful for and other thoughts that i have. My roommate is back at her parents house for the month so i am on my own, which to be honest couldnt be perfect timing. This month will be dedicated to me and me alone. To my spiritual, physical and mental expansion. Not speaking to james seriously envoked a series of 3 ugly ugly cries and a panic attack. The thought of losing the person that re affirms me every day, that tells me im lovely, im sensational, im beautiful, im perfect, and so much more, the person that gives me security because i know theyd take me back in an instant if i ever changed my mind, the person that i will miss and that i do love and have forgiven the thought of losing all that and having to get it from myself and myself alone is terrifying! I know that it wont be forever, i just want to be healthy and listen to myself.

xx

Iphone upload. Just to say im super happy with life, so much so i made two sets of earrings today. Yeehaw, now i just have to start taking photos again with my camera lol. One thing at a time! Not much else new i guess. Just excited about life.

How is everyone??

I am happy.
I am home, i am settled, i am figuring out bit by bit my life. For starters i have kind of started training for the Tough Mudder... i would like to do before and after photos, so ill do those maybe tomorrow. I have decided that ill start dressing a little nicer as often as i can, and take pride in my appearance, it makes me happy to look nice. My finances are somewhat in order, i have a job interview tomorrow at the hospital and im dropping of my resume at one of the resturants on wednesday. So hopefully i get both jobs. I start my practicum on the 15th. Im excited to be doing something finally!

On james, we've had some interesting talks. I have insisted that i want to start a new friendship, detached of what we had. I have forgiven him, and want to move on to be friends. Yeah, i know what everybody's doing, rolling their eyes etc. Thats okay. I know its different this time. Because im different. The crazy thing i realized is that the one and only thing i had asked for... actually manifested for me. All i wanted was for him to pick and love only me, unequivocally me. And now he has. And now i realize that: that wasnt the answer. What i asked for came to happen, but i thought i'd be happy and that would be the answer to the end of it. Don't get me wrong, i am happy that all the shit with the third one is gone, thats fabulous and that were finally enjoying a respectful friendship. But, i think it was the old me asking that, but with the new me accepting it. The new me had got to the point where i had let him go, i had walked away. So theres no way the new me could accept the old me's proposition or solution.

In the end i realized that, ill never know what the right Question, especially not what the right answer is to ask in life. But i will know that when i need change, i have to change me, not my environment. Because my environment can always change, but if i dont, than it wont matter, cause i wont have changed. Anyway, i know im rambling. Today i just came to appreciate that all the hell ive been through in the last 5 years, has brought me to where i am today. And next time, i wont have to wait 5 years, cause ill be listening to myself and not trying to change other people or control situations. Evidently that doesnt work!

I also feel like i have a much clearer head. I havent spoken or thought of any of my side stories. No aaron, no sex texter guy, no mechanic... and it feels so wonderful. I seriously only have me, and my life, and my path in mind. Im going to join toastmasters btw, hehe, and i want to learn french, or start to this year.
This is the clearest ive been to date, and it feels so good! I love my life today, this moment!

And i wanted to add, that instead of getting drunk and crying (literally) about deserving something better and being a victim. Im going to take charge, and be fantastic. Im simply not looking right now, and will just be working on improving myself and loving myself. If it happens than okay, but im not going out of my way for now. :)

So i realize youd have to go through 100 photos now to get to my old work, but oh well. Ill give you the link to the set, and you can just see what you want. Ive titled most of them, and added descriptions to some. Hope you enjoy them!
come and look!