FAREWELL and THANKS for loving me...

I hope as I start to type this...I can finish. I have started so many times.

I photograph life.....this was Barbie's life up until an hour or so before she left me. Doesn't she look good ? She was so beautiful.

Liv ( Boered ) and I had planned on talking on the phone for some time and it just never seemed to happen. Well....oddly enough.....it did happen on Monday afternoon, October 16, when I was up on the goat hill. I told her that I may have to call her back, as there appeared to be a problem with Barbie.

When I walked into the barn Monday afternoon, Barbie was laying down. She was always up and very excited to see me. I said "come on girl, get up Barbie".......she slowly stood up. I crawled into her pen area. She was so thin.

I realized that I had to bring her home again as she just didn't seem herself. I did not know why she was down, as the day before she seemed just fine and dandy.....except so thin.

I carried her out to the field....on the phone with Liv....I told her I had Barbie in the field with me as I found her laying down and not acting herself. While I was on the phone with Liv....Barbie let out a loud "baa".......Liv said "oh Lisa...I don't like the sound of that".....

I told her Barbie just needed to go home with me and then she'd be just fine. She just needed a little TLC again on my couch. She said she did not want to upset me....but that was the sound her beloved Neo and Freddy made when they were dying. I told her I thought Barbie just needed me to take care of her once again at home. I could fix her.

Liv asked me to take Barbie's temperature once I got her home. She said a "low normal" for a goat is 101. She said her Neo's temp got as low as 98 and then he died half an hour later.

When I got Barbie home....I had her stand in my yard. She tinkled...she ate a few dried autumn leaves in my front yard and a couple bites of grass. She just stood there and looked up at me. I picked her up and brought her in the house.

I made her a plate of grass and leaves....fixed her a real baby bottle full of warm water and even put a spoonful of sugar mixed in. She seemed like she could not get enough to drink. She also would nibble occasionally from her plate of grass by her "sick bed"....

I took her temperature as Liv had asked me to do. Remembering how low her Neo's temp had been right before he died....I just held my breath. I took Barbie's temp three times.....before I called Liv back.

Barbie's temperature was 94.1 all three times. I took her outside two more times....she ate grass a touch when we went out....looked up at me again so I carried her back in. I was beside her on the floor the entire time.

I decided to take her outside once again to see if she would go to the bathroom. I carried her out...stood her up and she stood for one minute....fell down and cried as if in such pain. I swooped her up, brought her back in and down she went back on her "sick bed".

The entire time she was on the floor...she was covered with this afghan....her head on a pillow to support her little neck. My face was directly in her face as she did not want me far away. I constantly had my hand by her head and face....telling her many many times how much I loved her....telling her she was the most beautiful goat ever born on the goat hill....and telling her she was a beautiful princess. She seemed to like that...I could tell.

I called Liv and told her what Barbie's temperature was......94.1. She was startled...I could tell. I think at first she might have thought my thermometer was off....but I put a baggie over the thermometer....put it in my mouth and took my own temperature. Mine was 98.1. I knew the thermometer had been in Barbie's bum......but I didn't care. The baggie was over it when I put it into my own mouth. I knew the thermometer was right....

I had to get up to go to the bathroom twice...at first she stood up quickly and yelled ( baa-d ) loudly....until I came back. When I came back...she would lay right back down and wait for me to lay beside her. We both got back into our position....as if to wait.

The last time I got up to quickly run to the bathroom.....she did not get up. She just yelled in a very faint "baa"......I hurried back as fast as I could.

I would stroke and stroke her and continued to tell her how much I loved her......she never quit staring me directly in my eyes. If I would move to one side....her eyes would follow me. If I tried to give her a little space....she moved slowly until her face was touching my face once again. She could not get close enough to me.

I have never been through anything like this before....except with my Mother in 2001....but this was so different.

When my Mother was dying....the nurses came in and told my sister, Barbie, and I that someone was keeping my Mother alive. The nurses said that sometimes a dying person will not die.....because of waiting to see a person or wait to be told "it's ok to go" by someone who will NOT let them die. I thought this is just ridiculous......BUT....I had been the one who when no one was looking would whisper in my Mother's ear "please don't leave me....please don't leave me.....what will I EVER do without you".....
The nurse came back in with my Mother, my sister Barbie and I and said "this poor woman needs to go".....I asked my sister Barbie to please go and ask the nurse if she could come back in. That was my time to very quickly whisper in my Mother's ear "Mom....it's Lisa and it's ok to go"......My Mother died ten minutes later.

I remembered that......as I could see Barbie was getting weaker and weaker, I wondered if I was keeping her alive. I then began to lose control of my emotions. I felt bad for her to lay there and watch me cry so. She had never witnessed me crying before, let alone so uncontrollably losing control....yet keeping calm and gentle with her. I just wonder what was going through her little head being so afraid herself....Maybe scooting close...she was trying to comfort me.

I then began to tell her "Barbie...your twin brother Ben is waiting for you....you need to go and be with him now. He wants to run in the fields and play with you. He wants you to put your neck on him once again and sleep. Barbie....it is time to go and be with Ben."

As I moved away from Barbie.....as weak as she was.....she scooted closer to my face once again. She made a very faint "baa" and I thought she was gone. She was so so weak. It was then I realized that she needed me as close as I could be and in the same position I had been since I brought her there to lay with her. I got in her face....as wet as my face was and stroked and stroked her. She just stared into my eyes. What beautiful eyes she had......

I moved back as I thought she was gone.....and the strength she had....she moved close to me. I think being so young her little heart must have still been so strong. I also think she and I were both so afraid....I told her I was and I could see on her face that she was so afraid too.

I had Barbie one more hour......and then she was gone.