asrai's photostream  

I'm not a big fan of selective color, and I'm not very good at it (at least not without being willing to dedicate some time to it that I seem emotionally unwilling to give right now), but for some reason putting this picture together in this way very much represents how I feel about myself and my world right now.

I can't quite put words to it, yet, but, I'd say this is very close to my current reality.

Life is moving at a breakneck pace. I am keeping up, most of the time.

It's perplexing, the knots inside me, and how I work so hard to unravel them. So many twisting complexities. So many contradictions.

Today I took a walk in the park. Something just for me. Something alone. It brought me such joy.

I fear being lonely, I fear being alone, and yet, the reality is... that I am happiest there, most of the time.

How can that be? Is that even sane or right?

But it is. Me, my camera, birds, trees, and peace.

That was today. I want to find more of it.

I'm a firm believer that there are patterns in everything in life. I see them all the time, and sometimes I can reach out and grab them. The ones going into the past are the most obvious, of course. But there are some that spin out into the present and future, that if we look close enough, can be followed to their logical conclusions.

But then, things happen that I never expected. The love I've found this year - I just, I don't even know how to express it most days. I didn't have to ask, or beg, or plead for it. I didn't have to do anything at all for it. When I was plummeted so far down I couldn't even see the earth above me, it was just there, lifting me up.

I never saw this pattern emerging at all. I was always the one that everyone got along with, but was never particularly close to. I was the one that belonged everywhere, kinda, but nowhere fully. The one who never really felt she fit into any particular hole - round, square, or otherwise.

But now I see the way the threads go - a million miles in every direction. And they are so far from only threading one way.

I love, I love. And I can't help it. And I don't want to.

*

But I am going to a far, far land
I know it sure as I’ve a past and a future
With my maps on the table, you see, I have lost many things
So many I won’t turn back.