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Almost 11 months. They say it takes six months after ACL reconstruction to return to regular activities. Up to a year to feel at 100%. I wonder who these numbers apply to. Radiographical assessments of the healing bone and soft tissue grafts suggest at six months, the graft is at 80%, and by one year, it has completely remodeled and matured. How well do functionality and feelings correlate with cellular and molecular morphologies? One of my physical therapists, who had undergone ACL and meniscus surgery, told me it took her ten years before she ceased to consciously think about her knee while skiing; nonetheless, it continues to feel different.

With that in mind, perhaps my goals for myself this year are way too ambitious.
1. To run 5000 miles before March 18th, 2021.
2. To run 500 miles in 2012.
3. To run a half marathon this year.
4. To run a 10K race before year one is over.
5. Not get osteoarthritis this year.
6. Stop clicking.
7. Survive intact.

While nothing is definite, I think #5 is a gimme. #6, in the long run, will detrimentally antagonize #5 if I fail to strengthen my leg to the point that my knee stops clicking like a ball point pen. #7 seems to be always on my mind nowadays. I think messing up my knee last year really shattered my perception of my ability to stay alive. I went from thinking and acting as if I am impervious to damage to, well, not thinking this. #4 and #3 are fast approaching, so we'll see how that goes. Constantly plagued by injuries, #2 is seeming all the more daunting. I'm not yet worried about the feasibility of #1. It's a thing to fight for in my quest to beat the odds.

It's kind of interesting to see how my form changes/deteriorates as I realize my left hamstring kind of really hurts.

Going lo-fi with the Lomo LC-A. It was cold enough that Oak Street Beach was entirely void of people.

the grass here is squishy

I like watching the rippling of the water, with the fading sunlight glimmering off its surface.

Today was a particularly good day for my legs.

Ever since I began to run last August, four months post-surgery, I have not felt comfortable with my legs. First, due to muscular weakness from not using my legs in high impact activities for the prior five months since I sustained my knee injury, I would experience pain with every step in my left leg from knee down to my toes--anterior tibialis, calf, ankle and toes all must coordinate to absorb shock. Then, last November, as a result of increasing my intensity and still favoring my right leg when fatigued, I incurred an overuse injury in my right leg, straining my calf. It is impossible to do anything with your legs without involving your calf muscles. This has taken forever to heal, in part because every time it felt a little better, I would attempt to go for a run and re-strain it. Fantastic. Come on, cut me a break! Exhibit some patience.

Anyway, so I think it's finally feeling alright now, so I went for a run today and I don't think it hurt. Afterwards, when I was striding back and forth warming down, however, a medial hamstring tendon in the back of my left knee felt tweaked. We'll see how that goes. I have this dire fear of my knee swelling up and being in pain and losing function of my leg all over again. Such is a thing I wish to never experience ever again.

What I find discombobulating is how simple motions like running do not come naturally to my legs anymore. I have to think about each stride--how hard to push off, to lift, how I should land on my feet, where to strike down relative to the rest of my body, which muscles I need to activate to effectively shock absorb, whether each leg is doing the same thing to the same intensity... It is as if knee surgery has purged my leg of a lifetime of muscular memory.

I have ambitions. One of them is to strive for the day when my legs will function again without pain. I have been told my knee will never feel the same again, but the hope is that it will function and just feel like nothing, because that is what normal is.

A panoramic of the Chicago skyline, circa 2006. A moment in time, cemented by silver halide grains.