May 15, I can be my own worst enemy.
No one likes to admit when they self loathe, and nor do I. But my thoughts this day were clouded with judgements on all the things I could be doing or should be doing with my life, and the pressure of balancing a stressful day job with the life I want and the things I love doing.
I live life in the fast lane, but do I have anything to show for it?
Today was one of those days I felt like I had failed myself and failed others around me. I am financially useless, with no savings to my name, no assets and only photographs of memories to "show for it". A life's work and all I have are photos.
Someone close to me this week described me as a "good times girl", someone who has the potential to have wasted their life having a good time and being forgotten in old age and loneliness. They reminded me that I might still be single because of my life in velocity, because I don't slow down, because I might be unlovable because I am too much.
My experiences and memories have given me a life I treasure and a life of pleasure. But do I have my priorities in order? Am I living to my potential? Should I be seeking to slow down in order to fit the mould of everyone else - the financially secure and to fall into an emotional safety net?
It's a rollercoaster, delving deep within yourself and wondering what you're going to be tomorrow. I don't know the answer to that.
But all I know is today I have evaporated and I need to find some self belief again.