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With over 6 months experience, I'm an expert professional photographer. My neighbor Bob says I've taken the best picture of his trailer he's ever seen. (He bought a 4X6 print from me, for money, and hence I'm a professional.) There are a lot of people who don't have Bob's artistic appreciation but I just laugh at those morons.

 

I've read everything there is in existence about photography and I contribute my considerable expertise to all the Web forums that haven't banned me yet. (Jeeeeez, what's with the banning thing? Just because I know 5 times what those morons will ever know. Their loss.)

 

Anyway, I'm working on a monograph of my banana pictures. Bob said I should submit them to National Geographic which I did but those morons keep rejecting them no matter how many times I submit them. I'll bet National Geographic didn't publish Edward Weston's pepper photographs either. Hard to believe me and Weston are in the same pickle so to speak. Ha! Of course he only used black and white and I'm using color—a much higher level of artistic and technical difficulty. Maybe National Geographic isn't aware of that. I'll have to let them know about it when I submit my pictures again.

 

I suspect the only thing holding me back right now is I need more gear. I've got 12 eBay triggers, 7 flashes, and a bazillion cameras and lenses. I probably need more triggers to catapult my banana pictures to the next level—the more triggers you use for a shot, the better chance a few of them will fire. Check my blog for more expert insider tips like that.

 

My main lens now is the Sigronokina 8-800 mm f/1.4 Ultra Telemacromaster BS POS Mark 7. You gotta have the best glass (or the best "space-age laser-calibrated acrylic") for the best results and this gun rocks! You won't find a better lens anywhere, man, and at $175 you have to be some kind of moron to buy those more expensive lenses. Some fools look down on the plasticized card stock construction but that's why this baby is so light. It's design genius that Nikon or Canon can only dream about. Check out my expert review posted on my blog. Bob says it's the most cogent analysis he's ever seen. Anybody who aspires to be a pro like me would be a moron not to have this bad boy in their arsenal.

 

Anyway, if you want to buy one of my banana prints (or the highly-acclaimed "Bob's Trailer" print) or you want my expert professional advice on anything about photography (or bananas or beer or copyright law), just holler. But don't worry, I'll keep posting as much as I can. Did I mention I'm a professional? Anyway, I'm busy but I like to share my vast knowledge with those of you far far less skilled than I am. Anybody know where I can find girls who want to pose naked? Maybe with bananas? Also if you know anybody who wants a professional to shoot their wedding, I figure it's gotta be easy compared to my banana pictures. Lemme know before I get banned from this forum. Morons.

 

OK, later dudes, me and Bob gotta go get another case of beer to keep those creative juices flowing.

 

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Taken on April 19, 2008