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Yep. It's 1:20am, I leave my apartment at 5:00am and I am still not completely packed. I think it might be best that I not sleep tonight because oversleeping is a serious risk with me. Well - that AND the fact that I'm still not packed. SHOOOOOOOT. I'm so bad at planning....must focus....

ANYWAY. London for the next 10 days. Then I'll post more. Oh - AND I'm even more excited than before because today my boss explained how and why there will likely be more than this one trip to London. There will be FUTURE London trips, too!!! Score.

A round of applause for my friend Jason who - I think when I said I hadn't had time to even think about my trip yet and that I wasn't at all ready - well, he suggested I buy a book about London to read on the plane. YESSSSSSSSSS. That makes sense! So I forced a trip to B&N into my post work errand-running (never-ending, it seems, when prepping to leave the country) and loved finally getting to buy a book from the international travel section. SO fun. I went to Canada a year or two ago (doesn't really count if it's just a roadtrip away), and France in middle school, and the Bahamas on a film shoot awhile back, but THIS....this is a different kind of trip. Book worthy. So - Lonely Planet London it is. Looks like a great read AND this little book purchase has finally gotten me excited about the trip!!! It's going to be so fun!

Better.

This is my first evening of nothingness in a few weeks. It's quiet, but I need it. Made real food for dinner and drank wine. I'm feeling a little better, I think, too.

I'm not sure how to start this.... or how much I even want to say, as usual. I'll try to keep it simple.

1) I'm exhausted. This picture was an attempt to re-enact last night. Couldn't sleep - I'm super tired. There's no reason for my restlessness.

2) On a work break yesterday I called a friend of mine. You know how you go to certain friends for certain things? Welllll - people have been telling me I can talk to them and all - and that's really nice. Thank you, I appreciate the offers, but sometimes....well, I can't talk to just ANYONE about the crap I'm stuck thinking about these days. Like you can't go to actual cheerleaders for peptalks in life, really. Because they don't get it. They just can't. They'll just tell you to cheer up, smile, and that life's really great. But if you go to a kid who is...say...in the theater department, odds are better that they'll understand the crap you're thinking about. (I'm so sad that I compared things to high school anything....I'm going to chock this up for just having spent time with a substitute teacher friend of mine...I digress) But you know what I mean, right? You can't go to all of your friends with all of the same stuff. Anyway - I called my depression friend yesterday. Left him a message. It was nice, because I got home from work and saw that while I'd been babbling to his voicemail, he'd been writing me an email.

I'm just - I'm low right now, guys, but we all know I've been here before. Rather than further embarrass myself in front of you guys, I go to the friend who I know will hear me out, who won't judge me or be hurt if I fall off his radar again in a week, who won't tell me to suck it up, or even that everything will be ok, because he gets it. He just listens. And frankly, I find it easier to just ... not talk about any of this, so that I can get SOMETHING done in my day. Talking doesn't always help - sometimes it just drains your whole day. So I also have the option of calling him to exercise our fantastic ability to talk about nothing. It's good and it works. And you can't - ok, I can't - really start a conversation with someone else that would have to go something like, "Hey - I'm losing at life, but you're a winner --- what's that like?" ...it just hurts, it's hard, i'm sorry. AND - I know I'm not fun to talk to when I'm like this. I think it's perfectly acceptable for me to ... withdraw, or whatever. I just......I get sad. I'm not going to punish the world by vocalizing this sorrow. I'm going to pretend everything's fine and spare you the impossible task of trying to make me feel better.

And a couple of people have written that they're worried about me. There's nothing to worry about, guys, promise. I'm not sure what, exactly, the worry is, but if its the worst - that I'm going to off myself? I'm not. Ever. I can't. I have to see how Lucy's life turns out, so I'm here for her from now on if nothing else.