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The last of the behemoths. As large as 1980s Caprices and LTD Crown Victorias may look today, THIS is the final sedan wholly, unabashedly full-size. Nothing downsized here. 472 cubic inch V8 motor. 227 inches long. Nearly seven feet wide. I've been driving past this car almost every week for a month, stopping to eye it every so often. Why not finally take it for a spin?

I called the number on the window, and the owner walked right out of the front door of the storefront. Well, that was easy. We chatted for a bit, and he handed me the keys. After a couple stabs at the gargantuan gas pedal, the 7.7-liter V8 grumbled to life. The engine wasn't silent like a modern car, but it was far from loud. It burbled along nicely, sending ever so gentle vibrations through the steering wheel at idle (no shaking like a modern 4-cylinder, merely vibrations). After rocking it out of the grass, since it had sunk from sitting for a month, I slid it into Drive and it off we were.

Martin Luther King Boulevard in south Lansing is one of the worst roads in Michigan. It's the kind of route you completely avoid just to spare yourself the agony - I can imagine the surface of the moon has fewer craters. My Camry handles it quite well, but this Cadillac was... unreal. It blew my mind how composed and comfortably this 40-year-old sedan rode. The suspension didn't merely cushion the potholes and expansion joints like a modern car does, it absorbed them. Completely. As in, I would watch the cratered surface pass beneath the hood ornament, but feel nothing. Naturally, the tuning is extremely soft, but not in the "crashy, bouncy, old car" manner like a Cutlass Ciera. I used to think modern cars were technologically superior in almost every aspect vis-a-vis classics, but I can say with complete confidence that nothing sold today rides as smoothly a '70s Cadillac. I suppose some virtues are simply lost with the ages (of course, nothing sold today has such thick tires, weighs in at 5000 pounds, and has a 130 inch wheelbase). Even the rebound damping was reasonably good - it didn't float or bob after impact hardly at all.

Which isn't to say the rest of it was as impressive, but overall it was a surprisingly manageable, pleasant thing to drive. Despite its hardtop body, the structure didn't shake or quiver any worse than the 2010 Suburban I rented last year. Fit and finish is, of course, horrendous, yet somehow nothing rattled too much. The power steering system is engineered with zero resistance or weight (let alone feel) - also to be expected - but the car tracked dead straight and cornering was linear enough, if not precise. The brake pedal had a few inches of dead space before it activated, but it halted the car adequately and required little effort, albeit with the sensation of a big jelly donut beneath your foot. Once I got used to the dimensions the beast wasn't bad at all. Fun, actually - in a mob-tastic old barge way.

I drove a couple miles down the boulevard and asked the owner how it did on the freeway, not intending to actually test that out. "Go ahead and get on," he replied with enthusiasm, "it just floats along!". I went a bit further and turned left toward the on-ramp, nudging the gas. This car is slow. Really slow. Like, freight train slow. "Put your foot in it!" he exclaimed, "don't be afraid to shove it to the floor" Not that it would do much, but the DeVille was at a solid 70 by the time I merged in with traffic. Indeed, it glided down the interstate free of drama, save a fair bit of wind noise from the ill-fitting frameless windows.

"Really put your foot in it!" he said, acting like it was no big deal, "I go past 90 all the time". Clearly this guy didn't baby his Cadillac. I pushed my right foot firm to the floor and held it, the vertical orange needle of the wide, flat horizontal strip speedometer slowly sliding to the edge. 85, 90... 95. The car remained remarkably stable. Let me tell you; there is no other feeling in the world like barreling down the interstate at 100 miles per hour in a five thousand pound American land barge. We were nothing but a pearl white blur in the left lane; nineteen feet of pure, elegant pollution. Of course, it was hardly inconspicuous, so after a few seconds of rocketing through south Lansing at extralegal speeds, I applied the brakes; carefully swerving towards the nearest offramp. The Cadillac handled the sharp cloverleaf well - although the entire body plopped on its side and the tires screamed in protest almost the second the wheel was off center, the luxury liner gripped the pavement and was easy enough to control. This car can do anything a 'normal' car can, as long as you're gentle. Or even if you're not.

This 1973 Cadillac sedan De Ville is so unnecessarily large. It looks as it if were put together by cavemen. A 10-year-old Ford Focus can outrun it, yet it consumes a gallon of gas for every 7 miles it burbles down Martin Luther King Boulevard in city traffic. It really has no rational reason to exist.

That is, until you slide behind the thin, wood-rimmed wheel, feel the cushy, tastelessly upholstered seat fabric beneath your butt, and watch the world fly past beyond the never-ending coffin nosed hood, all framed with a delicate chrome reef. Then, and only then, does it all make so much sense.

Now that 84-year-old Grandmother has given up driving (my 91-year-old Grandpa gave it up about 5 years ago), they no longer have a need for their car, so they asked me to sell it.

Like the Escort and Crown Victoria of the era, this is one of those cars that practically defines my childhood. At one point in the late-90s there were four identical examples of this car in my neighborhood - my next door neighbor had one in this color, as did the couple across the street, as did another neighbor down the block... plus this one, of course, which I rode in all the time with my grandparents. The Teal-Blue Taurus is a staple of American life in the 1990s - it was the beige Camry of its day, especially here in the Midwest.

Slowly they wore out and got replaced - one by another, newer, Taurus, one by a Honda Accord, and one by a Chevy Impala. Except this one. Through thick and thin it has soldiered on years longer than I ever expected it would have, in part due to the fact that my grandparents only drive a leisurely 2,000 miles per year.

The 19-year-old bestseller is hardly in perfect condition - it needs a new radiator, the front driver's side spring is gone (literally, it just broke into pieces and the wheel just rolls along on bottom of the suspension stop) and it leaks some oil onto the exhaust (which then burns and smells kinda bad), but it runs and drives just fine and never fails to start right up. Actually, for a car built in the same year I was born, this thing is pretty solid.

Since this was more about getting rid of the car than making money, I put it up on craigslist for a low $600, hoping to get quick and easy bites. That was apparently far too low because I got over ten calls in the first hour... I literally couldn't keep track of them all. Multiple people showed to look it over at the same time and there was even a bidding war - the final buyer forked over $650!

It was sad to see it go, having so much history... I still so vividly remember those special trips to the Chinese buffet with my grandmother circa 1998. But as with everything in life, it was time to move on.

Better yet, I was in for a nice surprise after I cashed the check and handed my grandpa the cash proceeds. I was expecting him to offer some sort of compensation for my trouble (I didn't need anything but I knew he would since he's so generous), maybe around $20, perhaps $50 if I was lucky. He looked through the wad of bills and said "How does four hundred sound?" I stood there for a second in shock, then said "Ummm.. that sounds fantastic!! Thank you so much!" as he handed me eight crisp fifty dollar bills.

Goodbye Taurus, may you serve your new owner well and be remembered fondly.

Is there any vehicle more "anti-Midwest" than this, down to the rugged, outdoor-sy roof rack? I had to double check that I wasn't in Oregon or Maine when I drove past and noticed this sitting on the street among the endless line of dark-colored Impalas and LeSabres that typify frumpy Michiganders.

I can't imagine these were popular in Lansing when new ("fer-in" cars didn't sell in sizable numbers here in UAW-land until the 1990s), so it's certainly something unique.

COMPLETELY FREE courtesy car all week while my jacked up Cam finally gets repaired. Sometimes insurance premiums turn out to be a good thing...

First impression - this car is freakin' huge. The hood stretches into the next county from behind the wheel and the thing is as wide as a city bus. When they said "full size" they meant FULL SIZE.

But it doesn't drive like a typical full size American barge. Last week my dad rented one of those - a late Chevy Impala - and it floated, rolled, and understeered more than any 21st century sedan I've driven (tied perhaps with the Buick Lucerne). Not to mention the slow, vague, sloppy steering.

The Charger is not an Impala nor a Buick. This whip is buttoned down. For an 18 foot long, 4000 pound, four door beast, this thing sticks freeway cloverleafs like nobody's business. Yet at the same time it's so smooth, slick, and powerful. You can blast down the freeway at 90 and it feels like 55 (and no one will care cause it looks like a police car). The windows are enlarged and the pillars have been thinned from the previous Charger so it feels a LOT airier inside, and the interior is light years ahead of the 2011 model (rented a white one about a year ago).

Impressive thing, I almost don't want to give it back.

Some old hag confused senior citizen in a Buick Lucerne cut across three lanes without looking..... $500 insurance deductible to get this crap fixed. She even tried to argue with the cop when he told her it was her fault. "He hit me", she kept saying. YEAH BECAUSE YOU BLATANTLY CUT ME OFF. I am so pissed right now...

Oh, but that's not all. There's coffee splattered all over the interior because I was holding my full latte when I crashed AND it got all over my brand new $80 winter coat I just bought last week. What a great day this is....

At least the airbags didn't go off and no one got hurt, so I guess there's a silver lining somewhere...