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My Own Doctor Is Myself.

“You are your own doctor.”, said my husband.
“No I am not.”

I was very angry. I was very ill. I did not know what to do. My heart worked like broken engine. Beats did not follow one after another. At first it was like normal, then it was long silence, and after that very fast beating faster- a little bit slower –and then faster again to highest peak. In addition to the wearied heart beating it was very wearied feeling inside of my head.

The head was very heavy. When I moved my head to one side it took awhile before everything inside of my head moved to this direction. It also looked like small insets were moving over my brain inside of scalp. It can be compared with small burn that run though the forest making its way under leafs and tiny branches. We can hear that brook and then see it. So, it was in my brain, the brook that run under the scalp.

When someone tell me something it took time before I was able to get the meaning and to find out the answer for the question I was asked. Often I felt that I am passing away. And there were a few times that I collapsed. One time it was in my apartment. Another time it was in hallway of the building where I live. And last time it was on a street when I walked from the local store. If first two times I did not pay too much attention to my falls because I thought it is just happened as usual then last one I was scared. I walked on concert path and suddenly I saw I am going to fall by the face down on the concrete. “O, no, not on face” - flashed in my bream.

“Say me how may I be my own doctor?! I do not know medicine. I cannot prescribe the medicine I need to take. I cannot run any tests. You do not understand what I am going through.” – I screamed at him. Really it was very hard. In addition to doctors who did not see any problems, my husband did not want to see in what condition I am. For me it was clear as day, I was going to die.