After weeks of hiding in my BAM photos, I figured I'd come out this week. I always knew this week required a full on BAM. And today was a good day to BAM. Thankfully, a good friend invited me out to lunch. Right before I left, the recess bell sounded. I've promised myself for weeks I wouldn't look for him because we've had transition issues in the past. I wouldn't let the dog out. I'd even park my car on the street just so he wouldn't be reminded that we lived just over the face. But I allowed myself one peek & darted out of the house.
We had a long lunch that covered every topic. I worried that I was staling & hijacking her time. I even ran to Target before I went home. But when I got home, it was still a recess period (there's 4). I crouched behind the microwave so only one eye could scan for him. Ducked into the corner for the other eye, but I still didn't see him. Fearing that I would spend the next hour searching for him, I decided to get behind the camera. Focus on the only interesting thing in the house: me.
Today, I join the ranks of mothers with kids in school. Our family is changing. We're slowly crawling out of the baby stages & venturing on the long road towards independence. It feels like every thing matters. It feels like everyone's role is changing & we aren't sure what to do next. Some mothers who have played this part for years might think that I'm dramatizing this new path. Maybe I am. That's fine. I know that in time it will feel as natural as it does to answer any child when you hear them scream, "Mom" in the grocery store. But right now, I'm walking in foreign territory & I blew out of this place over 5 years ago. I'm learning that things don't change here. Sometimes I feel like all I can do is fumble & other times I'm excited by the dark corner in front of me. It feels like another chapter is slowly winding down. And all I can do is wonder what's next for these plucky characters. I'm going to keep reading. This one's a page turner.
14:52 Weeks of BAM!
hilde..., SnapYappy, jamie {74}, j*lewis, and 16 other people added this photo to their favorites.
View 20 more comments
journeyswithasimplegirl 33 months ago | reply
yes.
It feels like every thing matters.
yes...
sidemtess | linda 33 months ago | reply
your beautiful--you blow me away with the way you cut right to the heart of the matter---- i think your honesty is pure heaven!!!! :-D linda
{.erika.} 33 months ago | reply
Thank you all for the supportive & sweet words.
~Staci Lee~ 33 months ago | reply
This is a beautiful BAM... I love your journaling.... such powerful words.
Cardboard Sea 33 months ago | reply
Way to channel your energy into something so beautiful.
[ carmen ] 33 months ago | reply
I so love this shot of you. Hells yes.
tara•b 33 months ago | reply
You are beautiful.
I love your writing. It's captivating and so raw. You are not being overly dramatic, you are a Mom on a new road. It's OK to fell uneasy and excited all at the same time.
tiny white lights 33 months ago | reply
not overly dramatic at all.
just real.
being a mama is a crazy wonderful emotional roller coaster.
queenbeeamy 33 months ago | reply
You are so adorable. Even when all emo cause the kidlets are growing up. In about two hours I will take the same posture and same thought process as you. I AM a mom who has done this for years, and am still struggling with the multitude of conflicting and confusing emotions this change brings. I think this means we are normal.
justmakeit 33 months ago | reply
Beautiful, you. As an older mom with quite a lot of experience at separations under my belt, why would I ever be inclined to dismiss your emotions as "dramatizing"? I know the bite of them all too well. Hang in there (and tend your sanity by writing and shooting photos!)
reno.gang 33 months ago | reply
You kidding? A md-week child free lunch? I would have sat there all day.
The expression is perfect. And I love that you're sitting by the window that looks out to the playground (I think).
xanthe berkeley 33 months ago | reply
yes! yes!
Kyrivia 33 months ago | reply
You are beautiful.. :)
:.Jill.: 33 months ago | reply
Drama-rama . . . it runs in the family. Wallow in it, take an f-ing bath in it, and hang on. Just wait until the Boys start referring to you by your first name to their friends (they will) and then slip up when you are around. The first day is the worst (but then again, so is the first day that they stay home and you realize that being by yourself is fine, too) . . . love you!
Jaime973 33 months ago | reply
Love your expression...your words...your feelings! Love love love everything about this!
kellie.j. 33 months ago | reply
hey pretty girl. Iove this shot. you are so not drama - i cried the whole way home from dropping Ruby off at preschool (and then I had a pretty glorious day) - but i agree it's hard to think about how quickly things change from here on out....
melanie.louette 33 months ago | reply
This is fabulous!!! You're gorgeous. :) And you'll get used to the school idea, although it's a huge adjustment- there's always a bit of a mourning period.
:Elizabeth: 33 months ago | reply
This is so fantastically beautiful. Clean, and still and restrained, just like we find ourselves when both suddenly and finally face the moment when they don't need us right by their side..for a few hours at least. These stages are huge and so deeply stirring. I've been going through the first introductions to school for two years now and I still don't know exactly what to do in those short blocks of time when the house turns quiet.
smallroots 33 months ago | reply
just catching up. this photo is so simple but so mesmerizing, something about it has stayed with me. don't know how you do it. fantastic. hope you all survived the first week!
hoohaaphotos 33 months ago | reply
I'm not too sure what the BAM is (I'll have to google it I imagine!), but I like your writeup. I stumbled upon your stream in one of the 352 groups and I really like you work and your comments on the photos. Keep up the excellent work!