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There is a book I read once a long time ago. When I mean book, I actually mean an old pulp Superman comic from the mid eighties.

It was a short story concerning Lex Luthor.

The story goes like this ...

Lex Luthor gets driven to a cafe on the outskirts of Metropolis to have a cup of coffee. He pulls up in this stretch limo driven by one of his female bodyguard/driver. If you know Lex, he only keeps women employees close to him. The alpha male silverback gorilla thing.

So he pulls up a chair sits down and beckons this waitress to him.

He initiates small talk with her asking who she is, where she lives and how much she makes.

Knowing who this suited figure is she answers him dutifully.

He then gives her a scenario.

What if, she leaves her job, comes and works for him as his 'assistant'. On the condition that she leaves absolutely everything behind. Her job, her family, her friends etc.

He promises her a million dollars and a very luxurious lifestyle.

He also gives her exactly a minute to think about it. Gives her a hundred dollar bill and leaves.

He waits in the car while she thinks about it. The money will sure help. Her life will improve. It's a small price to pay to be with this odious but very rich man. But the heavier price of leaving her family and friends holds her back.

She runs out of the cafe to the limo.

Just as she touches the door, the car speeds off.

Inside the very gorgeous redhead woman driver says,

'50 seconds! You're losing your touch Mr. Luthor!'

Lex smiles. He liked stopping by small cafes and giving hope to some poor waitress. He gets a thrill thinking about the disappointment that must show on the face of the woman he sped away from.

He never actually intended to give her anything. He just wanted the disappointment.

That, dear moonbeams, is akin to what's been happening to me lately.

The loss of not only my integral being, but being put into a life of a loveless soul. The rewards were great. Too great.

But I think this Lex never intended to deliver.

It's 4 in the
Afteroon..
I'm in bed
Listening to
Ms Marlin.
A new gem.
How apt.
Still feeling
Strange.
It's still
Cold.
Oh well,
Turn it up.

Had an interesting conversation today with my (new) ex.

Don't really know what the lesson of the discussions were. But I think I got the strategy I need to face up to things.

Live for the moment and go with the flow.

I think the problem with me is that I spend a lot of time trying to make something out of nothing. I always put the extra effort in to make something happen.

I did notice something actually.

That I lose interest pretty quickly. I lose interest when I cannot proceed further with something I'm working on. I've experienced that from console games to relationships. As days go on, I am less and less interested in things which initially I so desperately wanted. There would be more games and new people. Each promising new excitement and new prospects. I have tried my darnedest to get people to open up, be honest and give me the same level of trust I offered them. After all, there are still more box sets to buy and more games to play until the next guy or girl comes along. And when that fails, there are always other things to do.

Good plan don't ya think?

Just go with the flow, enjoy the moment and when it seems that nothing more can be gotten out of it, just find something else to occupy you till the next promisor happens.

I think I have the attention span of a week.

But I hope for a thousand times more.

Already my interest is waning day by day with a current project. A nothing is forthcoming, my mind is beginning wander to other options.

After all, there are many box sets more.

There must be something I haven't watched.

Funny thing is, I may be lonely, but I'm learning a lot of things. The tree may have a solid foundation but the branches, though brittle, provide a pretty picture.

The last few days has made me aware of my limits in seeking an ideal life. I had hope after sending out numerous e-mails to individuals who could possibly make my life better. In particular there was one who had raised my hopes to such a degree that I thought my lifelong desire would be finally be fulfilled. The one thing that would save me from this path of self-destruction.

Turns out that I wasn't even worth a phone call. Nor a picture sent.

My mom was right.

My dad was right.

I see people around me enjoying things. Things that everyone take for granted. Things that I have to beg for.

This winter is going to be cold.

It's a lot colder in my heart.

What do I do?

Give up and give in to what I can get?

Maybe. Perhaps throwing myself to a lesser option with certain doom will be better. At least there is hope of momentary pleasure. Pleasure before the realisation that everything has been a mistake.

I have no options left.

I have nothing left to give. And yet, I could have given you everything.

I had hoped you were real.

Because I damn well am.

I'd like to think of possibilities.

Possibilities of so many things. Things I'd like to do in my life. Sure, I've had a few scraps in my life and come out the better of it and it doesn't really stop me from learning lessons and to move on. But there were things that I really wanted to do so much earlier on. But as all the excuses which are common are given out, the one that rings true would be 'thats life'

Its true that I have wild fantasies. Some which stemmed from my exploratory spirit inherited from my dad and some which are physical which I believe derived from a lifetime of anatomical restraint.

Where is this going?

Well dear moonbeams, I ended my engagement.

Why? I simply didn't want to settle down. Sweet as she is, I felt that I would be held down and that wasn't something I was prepared to do.

I had dreamed that I would have set foot on Antartica by the time I had hit my 30th birthday. Or rode in Petra.

I'm 40 this year and I am still wishing the same things.

I had wanted spontaneity and the ability to 'up and go' whenever the mood calls. But she has important obligations. I admire her for that but secretly wish that she didn't. Perhaps a small part of me wishes that I did have the same obligations.

I then realised that everyone I am bound to meet has the same issues. Middle-aged and well-established with families and friends who need their attentions. I am never going to meet someone free and single. And I do so much want to. Its my flaw I know.

I just couldn't see myself sitting at home with the missus cuddling on the sofa and taking about 'who's doing what' and limiting our Saturday jaunts to within 10 blocks of our home. I wanted to still hit the clubs, stay over at stranger's, smoke dodgy stuff and mull over whether or not its cool to play Call of Duty.

But hey, I should be settling down right?

I don't know.

My dysphoria doesn't help neither. I want to experience the whole ... er ... sexual spectrum but can't even get to third base. But I'm a porn star in my fantasies. Fucking as many people and doing as many debauched things as I can

The brick wall has never been thicker.

Being in a relationship would effectively end all that.

Maybe I should not constantly think of ways to get as much out of life as I can. Maybe I should just stop and not think of trawling the roads looking for something better.

After all, everyone my age is asleep after a certain time.