2nd November 2007 - Button Your Lip
Secret 28 - I'm not going to stay silent anymore
I'm naturally taciturn and I have a overriding tendency to bottle things up. If someone hurts me then I tend to keep it within and take the pain out on myself. One thing that's really come home to me during this 30 Secrets in 30 Days project is how cathartic it can be letting all these secrets out in the open. So I've decided, from now on, I'm going to try my hardest to be open and up front with everyone I deal with.
Over the years, there have been many things I've wished I could say or regretted not saying to various people in my life. I've heard many elderly people confess that, towards the end of their lives, they realise that their biggest regrets are the things they didn't do rather than the things they did. So, with the intention of having no regrets, I'm going to put them all here; I doubt that any of them will ever be read by the people in question but I think it would be healing to get them out of my system once and for all.
Here goes:
To my birth mother - I understand and I don't blame you for your decision. They put me with a good family. It hasn't always been easy - I'll forever be the cuckoo in the nest - but I know that they love me and will always stand by me. Thank you for giving me life - I hope I didn't mess yours up too much. I love you and, if I haven't ever come to find you, I have my reasons but it doesn't mean that I don't think about you every day.
To my birth father - I know we'll never meet or speak - I'll probably never even know your name - but I still think about you and wonder what it would have been like to know you.
To my birth grandparents - You should have stood by your daughter.
To my Nanna - I wish I had known you better. I was too young when you died and never appreciated just what a remarkable woman you were. I wish we could've had a few more years.
To NM - I'm sorry for hurting you. At the time I was too ill to appreciate what a good man you were. You were kind and brave and you always stood by me. Every man I've been out with since you has been a disappointment by comparison. I wish I could tell you how much I appreciated you. I hope you found happiness with someone else. Thank you for saving my life.
To CT - After 16 years of friendship, the least you could've done was ask me for my side of the story.
To TB - I didn't leave because you stabbed me in the back over that job. That was just the last straw. In all honesty, I was never comfortable with the way you treated G, with the affair you made me complicit in and with the lies you expected me to tell for you. When it came right down to it, being your friend meant compromising my moral beliefs far too often and I just couldn't live with it anymore.
To TK Yes, you get the longest speech; but then, you hurt me more than anyone else in my entire life.
You rushed me headlong into a full-on relationship; you told me you cared for me deeply and asked me to commit to waiting for you whilst you sorted out your life; then you just abandoned me without a word. You broke up with me by email; you refused to speak to me; you told me you "didn't want this to be goodbye", you "just wanted to step away from the relationship for a while" and left me hanging there, waiting for you, while all along you were pursuing another woman. I even asked you if there was someone else and you point blank denied it.
If you didn't care for me then you should never have pursued a relationship with me. If you did care then you should've talked to me, told me what the problem was and given me the chance to defend myself. And, if it was definitely over, then the absolute least you should've done is talk to me in person and tell me the truth.
You used me; you took my love, my time, my presents, my home, my family, my affection and you gave nothing. You threw me away like a piece of rubbish. People are not disposible; there's absolutely no justification for treating someone so casually and cruelly. Things could have been so different if only you'd had the courage and the compassion to be honest with me; if only, just once, you'd thought about my feelings instead of your own. You behaved like a coward and I'm deeply ashamed of you and of myself for giving my heart to you so easily.
I don't usually believe in regrets; I've always held that you can learn something from even your biggest mistakes. But I do regret meeting you; every memory I have has been tainted by your lies. I only hope that one day you'll learn not to treat other people's hearts so lightly.
Comments and faves
phanmjs67, obo-bobolina, bitca, Meghan Senkel Photography [whoopaggies03], and 37 other people added this photo to their favorites.
phanmjs67 (56 months ago | reply)
Brilliant!
Melanie Hillock (56 months ago | reply)
Wonderful! OMG..I think I've been dating TK too. *sigh*
obo-bobolina (56 months ago | reply)
i am so impressed by your honesty. boy that must feel good. you're incredible. and i love this photo. x
cor_alee (www.coralee.org.uk) (56 months ago | reply)
I'm sorry this has turned into a major essay...but...
This picture is fantastic, and speaks volumes in itself.
But I greatly admire your openness in the text too. I read your tags, and thought this:
You are a writer and a true artist. Writers and artists have, throughout the times, used their art (whether written or painted) to express their deepest emotions - convey a moment in time, raise an emotion and you have done that beautifully here, with dignity and grace.
Some people aren't able to show their braveness by putting their creations (in whatever medium that might be) in the public domain - they keep them in books, in boxes and bags or leave them in a folder on their desktop, but should expression be so deeply hidden?
In my humble opinion, no.
Creative people are creative for a reason, and we find, that a very large amount of creative people are those that have gone through major upheaval (in whatever shape or form) in their lives - creating something helps ease that upheaval, even though, for some it's just a momentary 'release' from what they're feeling.
I think it's important, especially nowadays that people are given the opportunity, and more importantly, are made to feel comfortable, to be able to express themselves. Flickr is a great place to do just that, there are only a few in its membership that ruin it for others.
So, from me and my heart, I hope you don't hide your creations from view...you probably don't know, but the visuals you create can also help a lot of others out there deal with certain situations in their lives, they strike a chord and allow others to realise that they might not be the only person in the world feeling the way they do...solidarity in vulnerability can be so very healing.
Be proud of yourself, your art and your ability to express your vulnerability...you have every right to, and every reason to because you're amazingly talented! x
Bert Werk (56 months ago | reply)
Impressive and very brave. Nothing to add really to the wonderful words of cor_alee...
bitca (56 months ago | reply)
I don't even have the words. This is brilliant and beautiful.
--
Seen in your 365 Days: Narcissistic Tendencies set. (?)
Flower in the Sun (56 months ago | reply)
Thank you, all of you, for your kind comments.
I was very nervous about posting this image for fear I was confessing too much and making myself very vulnerable. It really means a lot to me that you've all given such positive responses to it. Thank you so much.
*hugs everyone*
@ cor_alee - thanks especially to you for your beautiful words. I'm deeply honoured; I reckon you're pretty talented wordsmith yourself :)
glanz-punkt.ch (marisa) (56 months ago | reply)
It's hard for me to find the right words to comment this amazing shot. The shot itself is wonderful, eyecatching and it tells so much!
Your words with it, makes it unique.
I was visiting a friend on sunday, one of my best friends and she knows me very well. We spoke and I told her a lot about my time, when I was fighting major depressions. I think, I've never told her about that before and suddenly she said: It's the first time, that you tell somethings about what you feel. You're so good in using a lot of words, but not saying anything with it.
And she's right - it's hard for me to talk about my feelings and problems. But after I read this, I'll try to be more open and honest!
It's a fave for me!
Odddutch (56 months ago | reply)
Great idea and well carried out.
My compliments
Mina R. [deleted] (56 months ago | reply)
Beautiful =)
TiCkInGcLoCkS1 (56 months ago | reply)
Hi, I'm an admin for a group called [Imagine] All The People, and we'd love to have your photo added to the group.
Flower in the Sun (56 months ago | reply)
Thank you, everyone, for all the comments and favourites and the invite.
@ marisa_s - I'm always really nervous about opening up to people too. In fact, I've surprised myself by how personal and honest I have been with some of these self-portraits. But I've found that people are generally very supportive and welcoming if you open up to them. For me, it's been a very cathartic and positive experience - I'd definitely recommend you give it a try :)
Cyan Del Mar (56 months ago | reply)
This is great, thanks for sharing.
Flower in the Sun (55 months ago | reply)
Merci. Thanks for looking :)
And thank you to all the people who've marked this as a favourite - I'm honoured :)
glanz-punkt.ch (marisa) (55 months ago | reply)
This last weeks were quite hard for me and I was thinking about quiting the 365, because it was so hard to take pictures, while I felt so low. But I'll do my best to keep it going and to tell, what I feel and think and not just about my every-day life...
You're a good teacher...;-D
Hooked_On_Starbucks (55 months ago | reply)
Thats incredible I like the picture and thanks for sharing that I read it all! FAV!!
welfsh (52 months ago | reply)
The photo did not need the title. The photo said it all! The comments although personal to you tugged a few strings here too all i can say is Thank You
valentino * (44 months ago | reply)
bella fotografia
Bonkers About Buttons (12 months ago | reply)
I would love to use this as part of my Wordless Wednesday - any chance?
bonkersaboutbuttons1.blogspot.com/