damn i'm sleepy.
k this is for messyowl 'cuz she tagged me & told me i had to write something:
i got in my car & drove it over the hill, down the straight long roads lined with endless vacuous fields, towards the battered body of a house we'd promised ourselves we'd never return to, barely standing on a half-paved road in a ghost of a town.
the sky & the hills & the grass & the asphalt were all saturated with the colors of the setting sun. golden streaks of light like honey dripping over everytihng, & shadows so deep you could dive into them & drown trying to reach the bottom. the warm wind through the unrolled windows was as loud as armageddon, the trees on the roadside rained leaves like confetti. magpies were spinning & diving in the air in razor thin lines, flying frantically away from my oncomming car. i was traveling fast enough to move through time, backwards to a spent summer i've been tryng to forget. those days you reflect on for the rest of your life, the memories that allow you to say "i've been worse off before."
i settled in to a dirty white-walled room, on a mattress in the middle of the floor, bare besides an ill-fitting sleeping bag that was rank of dust & depression & cat piss. greyed with filth, the sheer curtains nailed over the window let all the empty blackness of the night outside spill in.
i sit in this room with my possessions: a beat up suitcase filled with tattered flower-print sun dresses. my car keys. a small fan blowing stale air, circulting the sad little room. some old books & frayed sheets of paper. everything, that's everything i've got. everything else is haplessly packed floor-to-ceiling in various storage units across california. my patience & sanity & self esteem are in an old trunk, burried under a mountain of priceless, beloved junk. the sad little white-walled room is like a personal insane asylum, housing me at one of my lowest lows, echoing the pathetic sobs of my desperate situation.
gotta leave the light on to keep out the cockroaches. smash fast black
spiders with my tightly balled fists, throw a tantrum against myself.
throw a tantrum against the house.
the pipes have rusted through, the water doesn't run. we pull the
garden hose around the house & through a bedroom window, through a
hole in the wall to the yellowed shower stall on the other side. we
screw a shower head to the end of it, take cold showers in the town's
toxic, undrinkable water.
we run the hose through the kitchen window to wash the dishes.
we wash our clothes with jugs of water in the clogged sink, hang them off the unsturdy balcony to dry.
jagged holes are like harsh little paintings hung awkwardly on the walls, portraits of the dirt & dried grass outside, framed in degraded drywall. the familiar splinters of the wood floor slice into our feet through our dirty socks with every dragging step we take across the houses' gutted rooms. cracks in the walls, water stains on the ceiling, everything creaky & crooked & warped. a skinny stray cat creeps in through a hole in the floor of a bedroom closet, searching for something to eat. i follow him to the kitchen, look up at the exposed wires hanging out of the shredded ceiling. look down at the potholed tile floor. close my eyes & quit looking at anything.
i fall asleep late listening to creaking & banging, wake up early
wondering where the fuck i am.
i get up & wander towards the front door, stand outside in the ripping wind under the sunrise. i wanna run 'til i disappear into the horizon, i wanna vanish with what's left of the night. i wanna vanish with what's left of myself, never to be seen or heard or thought of again. i want the wind to tear down the house with the force of all my rage, rage built up with equal fury against everything & everyone on earth. hate that ate away any hope i use to have. this loathing which has replaced my bright future with something dumb & injured, crippled & unwilling to move foreward another inch. something selfish & unmoving that begs for oblivion. my body like an old house neglected, left to rot, abandoned. i want to demolish it, leave no trace of its existence, restore it to flattened dirt.
is that a little mellodramatic maybe? haha XD