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FOR THE DEFENCE – BY HORACE RUMPOLE*

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury – For once I am at a loss – The evidence against my client, Mr Devlin, is overwhelming – There can be no defence!
However – I would like to say a few short words in mitigation.

Mr Devlin is a compulsive Doodler, Shutterbug and Scribbler - He has produced this incoherent miscellany of pointless detritus, and placed it on the “Interweb” in the deluded impression that he is creating some sort of Art!
They may not be what you or I consider to be works of genius – But at least he’s finally stopped exhibiting his “work” on the walls of public lavatories – Were he to be deprived of this, the only outlet for his Anti-Social tendencies he would doubtless find alternative means of self expression by clubbing old ladies with lengths of drain pipe.

Ejected at an early age from Art School, Mr Devlin found solace in the drinking of metal polish – Eventually sinking so low in his depravity that he almost inevitably ended up - Working for Social Services.

Capital Punishment has sadly been abolished –
I would suggest flogging, but from what I have learnt of the defendant, he would probably enjoy it!
Incarceration at Her Majesty’s Pleasure would merely be a further burden to the tax payer.
A long stay in some “Happy Tablet Academy” such as Broadmoor where Mr Devlin could enjoy the delights of “Electro Convulsive Treatment,” or possibly benefit from a “Full Frontal Lobotomy” would seem to be the solution – But as you have heard from the testimony of an eminent Psychiatrist – “It didn’t work on the last three occasions!”

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury – There is only one course open to you - Out of the goodness of your hearts – I beseech you on Mr Devlin’s behalf – HUMOUR HIM! – Look upon his puerile imaginings and smile at him – Pat his curly head – Offer him a sugar lump, and think - “There, but for the grace of God, go I.”

Mr Devlin is guilty as charged – Guilty – But insane.

*Apologies to the late John Mortimer.