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I was born a po' chile; in a rural county of Southern Alabama. My daddy (who was a Kernel in the war between the states) grew goobers for a livin;. We never had much of nuthin.

My parents wanted me to follow the family tradition and marry my oily, first cousin, Jif, but I was in love with my best-friend's brother, Chunky.

Well, one night things got out of hand and this creamy stuff got all over my cookie. Oh, he cracked my shell, alright. He was smooth, I tell you.

So we eloped. I wore a tan dress, and Chunky wore a cup, to protect his nuts in case Jif or my dad showed up - but no matter what, our dreams would not be ground down.

On our honeymoon, his peter pan’d me in the Sandwhich Islands and we toasted each other everyday.

But out happiness was short-lived, our love was not to be. For he was tragically killed by our little dog Skippy.