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In my spare time, I tune rockets at the Jet Propulsion Lab for NASA while simultaneously charming women with my sensuous oboe playing. Once during a thunderstorm and a flashflood, I single-handedly saved an aboriginal village by quickly constructing a dam made entirely of denatured coconut shells and wallpaper glue.

In minutes, I can prepare a fabulous 8-course gourmet meal using only a George Foreman grill, some mangos, cherry Pez, and a crème brulee torch. Ladies swoon when I play Gershwin on the piano, wearing nothing but a kimono and mittens. I need no spellchecker and my nets are dolphin and tuna safe.

Hans Blix calls me when he loses his car keys. I swam the Panama Canal, ate a Thanksgiving dinner with one chopstick, and built a life-size, award-winning, suspension bridge out of Twizzlers, all in one afternoon. I can drive from Key West to Niagara Falls on a Vespa without stopping for gas.

I can swim in perfect circles and once spent six weeks on a unicycle. I’ve built African igloos, discovered an eighth continent, invented space boots for the first solar landing, and once gave sex advice to Dr. Ruth.

I can hear a feather falling onto a cotton ball from 60 yards away. I can clap with one hand and I’m invisible to radar and bats. I once placed second in the Iditarod with a sled team consisting of three cocker spaniels, a collie, and a basset hound. I can make cats sneeze.

Horoscopes don’t apply to me and Nostradamus predicted me. I often spend hours looking through my telescope at the sun, counting sunspots. I once spent a summer translating ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics into spray paint graffiti. I can tell red from yellow M&Ms when blindfolded.

I’m impervious to quicksand and Alien life forms seek me out for my navigational abilities. I speak fluent dolphin. I can easily put square pegs in round holes. I often swim immediately after eating.

On several occasions, I’ve had to land 747s when the pilots were suddenly stricken with food poisoning. I can play solitaire with others. In my genetic laboratory, I developed a species of highly affectionate goldfish and cows that produce milk with no expiration date.

I’m stealthy enough to drive a tank through a metal detector without alarming anyone. I’ve reprogrammed my television remote to ring the Liberty Bell without cracking it further. I can run a marathon with scissors. Lactose doesn’t tolerate me.

I've successfully reinvented the wheel with a previously undiscovered shape infinitely more efficient than the circle.