Sarah Nordin.'s photostream

News Feed:


|02/05| -Fixed new ways to contact me, read more a bit further down. Remember my yahoo is not my msn.

|07/02| -Added a new part to my profile. Before the End Notes you find To die - or not to live.

|20/10| -I've just started the Onrice Letters, it's a ton of questions received by a friend. Some parts (especially the beginning) will look a lot like my whole story here, but there are more things mentioned there, and more letters will be added as I receive them.

|12/09| -Finished (?) the "Turning 20" part. Make sure to read the rest of it if you only read the first part.

|06/08| -Added a new part to my story. "Turning 20" (you find it just before the end notes).


...Check out my special thanks section at the bottom of my profile page.

...Missing the old news? Check out the all new, but still old, OYAN section at the bottom of the profile.


The Present:

Updated: 29/12/2011

I'm a cross-dresser, age 20, and I'm trying to reach out to people who are alike. I wish to share experience, stories and to feel that I'm not alone - and let you know neither are you. Add me on msn Sarah_supergirl@live.com, or on my yahoo Chris_super18@yahoo.com (is not my msn), or add me on facebook, or even qx 775964 and now tvChix.

I have some experience in makeup, how to apply it and such things... But I'm hoping that maybe I'll be able to meet people here who can share more knowledge of this, so that I can learn how to do it better myself.

I've recently uploaded some photos. I will keep uploading photos whenever I get the chance to take them. There are no more photos for those who become my "friend" on flickr. Everything I got is what I upload. And if you're wondering what's up with the titles and comments. It's really the first thing that comes to mind when I see the picture, so now you know.

You can now also find videos on youtube, if you like it, make sure to subscribe and follow my news feed. (Note: This is not the same channel as the one I posted my previous shows in. The link to that can be found in the OYAN section.)

I have a quite masculine body (wide shoulders, tall, low eyebrows) which makes it hard for me to look really feminine, but I'm doing the best I can with what I got.

Feel free to read my whole story, or maybe just a part that you find interesting (because it's quite a story alright).


The Whole Story:

Background Story

It began with my aunt. She lived at my grandmother's house. My aunt is only one year older than me and while growing up, she was about the same size as me.

In an early age I came to "fall in love" with my aunt. Or... When you're 11, do you really know what love is? Anyway, I told her how I felt as well as you can when you're 11, she laughed and told me that it wasn't possible. Never spoken about it again, and yeah... It would never have happened. Anyway, this was just a short notice.

One day when I was 12-13 I was sitting in the kitchen when my aunt suddenly came down only wearing panties (thongs) and a bra. She was walking towards the shower and I couldn't help myself, looking at her sexy ass, with that thong and all.

The First Time

One day when I was about 13 I came to be left alone at my grandmother's house. I was all alone and had the whole house for myself for about an hour. My aunt's room had clothes and underwear lying around. And for some reason I decided to try one of the panties. Though they were quite dirty, so I went to her drawer and pulled it out to discover a big collection of panties in one of her drawers. I picked out a pair of white, cotton ones. Tried them on and it felt really good. But since I had the time I went all the way, borrowed a pair of her jeans and a top. I went to a full body mirror and started posing, bending over and doing different poses.

After a while I realized I couldn't stand there forever. They would get back soon so I had to take off the clothes and get my own ones on. But I had a plan B. My aunt's room had a key, so it was possible to enter the room, and lock the door. Which I would do if they were to arrive before I'd gotten in to my "real clothes". But I started to change anyway, putting things back where they were... Apart from one thing. The white cotton thong. I decided to keep it. Small enough to fit the pocket, no one would notice.

The First Thong / First Clue

I managed to get it home, and tried it on a few times when I'd be home alone. But I kept it in the garage, hidden in a box. Until one day I went out to find the box gone. They had found my thong! But they never said anything, so I guess they never really figured it was mine, but instead that it had managed to get there in another way (we store a few boxes of old clothes and children's clothes in the garage, to donate).

My hunger for female lingerie had been awakened. Every time I went to stay at my grandmother's house I would try to get to that drawer and steal something. I managed to get a top, two thongs and a bra.

The Second Clue

But this time I would not store it in the garage, but rather under my bed. Those wooden boards under the bed made excellent shelves, or at least I thought so... Until.

My mother one day got on her knees to look for something under the bed, when she managed to see the top there! She pulled it out and held it up, asking me what it was. I was terrified. But I managed to act surprised and said that I didn't have a clue. She draw the conclusion that it must have been my aunt's (Ohh no), but that she must have forgotten it there when she was staying over one night.

I was relived, and happy that she didn't find the other clothes. But after this I decided to hide it somewhere really safe. I put it all in a bag and hid it on the top shelf, in my closet. There, behind a lot of other things I remained hidden.

I then later on got a few more panties from my aunt (stolen), and also found a bikini by the coast while on vacation. Whenever I got the chance to try female clothes, I would. My collection was growing bigger and bigger. But my aunt moved out, and we both started growing up. I didn’t feel any remorse for taking her clothes. It somewhat felt okay, since we were family. But then it went even further.

Not Just My Aunt's

Now getting older, around the age of 15-16 I stole a pair of panties, regular from a clothesline. And later, even more serious from an actually shop I stole a top. Let me tell you how that went.

Almost Caught!

I had been to a mall, and I had bought a computer game to give to a friend as a birthday gift. And I went on to H&M, to look for some clothes (male). While in the store I found something that interested me, so I went with it towards the fitting rooms to try it on. Now, this shop just very recently opened, so they did not have any sort of “this is how many clothes you take with you inside notes” that you’d have to carry. So I went in and tried on whatever it was I was trying on. And when I was done I saw a skirt, and a top, black, V-neck, hanging there, size 36. Now… I really wanted to try it on, and I did. It felt great and I looked a lot more feminine wearing it. Another thing I noticed was that there was no “alarm” thing on it, not even a paper tag. But I was too scared to pay for it, so instead of taking it off, I just put on the shirt I had worn before over the top. You could not see a thing.

Now, obviously I had to buy something to not look “guilty”. So I bought something and then started walking towards the exit… It was that kind of exit with white, plastic, “beep” poles. My heart was up my throat. I could hear every beat as I was walking towards them. I came closer and closer and I passed them with one foot, nothing, then the other… And the alarm went off!

I was paralyzed. If you have never experienced it before, I just want to let you know that the sound they make, paralysis you. Scary thing. Anyway, thoughts flew through my head. But I didn’t want to look guilty and run, obviously, so I turned around. And the cashier asked me to walk back. And so I did. She looked in my bag and asked me to leave it there while I walked through the entrance again. And so I did, and to my relief, no sound! So I took the bag and walked, alarm. Now we took out the clothes from the bag so that all that remained in it was the game, I walked, and the alarm went off.

We had figured out that it was the game that triggered the alarms. She told me to go back to the store where I had bought it so that they could “de-alarm” the thing. And I did, and they told me how sorry they were for the inconvenience it had caused me… bla… bla… It ended with my getting a new top! But this was a wakeup call for me. I could not continue like this.

The New Me

I would never, steal again I told myself. Instead I would buy my own clothes. And so I did, it began with me creating an account for a mail-order store, where I used a pseudonym to order a skirt. Now… After ordering it I got cold feet and cancelled my order. But one problem remained. They would still send catalogues in my pseudonym name, to my address which my mother would notice. But I told her that it must be some mistake. That wasn’t my name. So after a few phone calls, yes… A few because they did not cancel the catalogue the first, nor second time… I managed to get rid of it.

Recently

It has gone a lot of years and I’ve managed with my stock of stolen clothes… But now I’ve started to get more interested in it again. So this time ebay would grace me with the ability to for the first time, purchase a wig for a decent price. I got it, and it was wonderful. I tried it on and I was sold. I wished to go further with it. So I placed a few more bids and I ordered, via the internet, from H&M a lot of different outfits and I was really excited about getting it home and trying it on. Nowadays I’m ordering in my real name. It’s easier that way, and as long as I keep it online where there is no people judging what I do, it feels good. And by now my collection is pretty big, with about five wigs, twelve tops, four skirts, four dresses and plenty of make-up. And it's just getting bigger and bigger.


Second Story - Online Interaction

Guys are more interested in girls

I can’t really recall when it actually begun, but what happened was that I felt like it would be interesting to talk with people and be met as a girl online. I think someone asked me online if I was a girl or a boy (since there was really no way of knowing without asking). And after answering this question “boy” so many times, I just felt like saying girl, I did and something happened. The person I was talking with became very kind, interested and talkative. Claiming to be a girl got you treated nicely by the male audience.

Convincing

Quite naturally the next step was that they wanted evidence, or they wanted to know you msn. And so I had to create one for my female alter ego that was slowly buy steady growing stronger. I did, and I found a webcam picture of some random girl in my age online. And that was enough to convince them I was who I claimed to be. And just to keep it easy, I made her life my life. My friends were her friends (but female counterparts), my family was hers. And so it became much easier to lie about a whole life.
As I started to get more friends as this female me I felt like I couldn’t tell them the truth, and so I kept on lying. And it felt good, I was secure and happy inside this bubble. But somewhere inside I knew it would have to burst sooner or later.

The bubble burst

It came a time when one of my friends decided to give me a Christmas present and sent it to my address, and that’s when I knew it had to stop. I had to come clean and let them know. And so I did, and as you might suspect it broke all my bonds with everyone I had ever knew as Sarah, my alter ego. Two friends (as I considered them) I had talked with for almost every day, over a year. They felt no desire to try to rebuild any bond with me after discovering my lie. Even though I begged and plead and tried to make them realize that the only thing I really had lied about was my gender, they had still been talking with me. But no, they wouldn’t accept that.

Crushed

So not only had I lost them, I had also lost a year spent socializing and getting to know people. Hours and hours of, nothing. So I guess the sense morale of this story is… Don’t lie? Or maybe don’t overestimate the online connections you make? Don’t spent that much time making friends online, instead of offline.

Whatever it is, I’ve learnt my lesson. Maybe you can do it a little if you want, but don’t take it, or make it serious. And always nurture and spend time with your real life friends.

Of course there was a lot of interesting things happening during the course of this year, but it would be too long to write down, or maybe not as fun to read.

Boys and girls, what's different?

But what did I learn about online-interaction then? Well, the never suspected me to be a boy at all. The way I wrote, what I said. It all seemed to be a girl's doing once I had said I was a girl. You can't really tell the difference between the two online. You might try, but unless you can hear or see them, you might never know. And that's the really interesting part about cross-dressing, isn't it? Because I've seen cross-dressers that look like girls and others that talk like girls as well. So, what's really so different about boys and girls, if a boy can look, talk and in the end, be a girl?


Turning 20 - Ideas change

Change your name

When I first took the name Chris, it was because my guy name is Christopher. So, Chris was a very easy way to get around the name issues.
It was not until I was getting facebook that I wanted a surname, because they request that of you. So I looked up the top 100 American surnames. Ellis was one that sounded nice, and was short, nice..

Now I turned 20, I was changing my flickr name. After all, I'm not a teenager anymore ("Chris | Teen").

I've always wanted the name Sarah. That's my idea of the perfect, most beautiful name a girl can have. My first real love, my first broken heart, all the beautiful girls I have met. Sarah has been her name.
Sarah was also the pseudonym I used while pretending to be a girl online for almost a year (see profile - "Second Story - Online Interaction").
Nordin is one of the top 100 Swedish surnames. I'm not from America, I'm from Sweden.

And so, as Chris Ellis turned 20, she became Sarah Nordin.

Change your hormones

What more have changed? There got to be more to it? Yes.. I've gotten even more sure about what I want to do, how I want do evolve my crossdressing. It's still in idea-phase. But imagine - Hormones.

Life is too short to let opportunities go to waste, to not take chances and do what you've always wanted to do. So what, life would be different, maybe even harder. But I can't stand being just another piece of this worldwide game. I want to be special, feel like my existence meant something extra for ME.

Though this is not final. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've changed my mind about hormones. It's not an easy decision, it's a life-changing one. But this much I know, that if I could start on hormones today - I would. If I could move to the US - I would. If I could live my life as I wanted to, and not as an image of what my parents and society wants - I would. So in many ways it's a dream, one I hope will come true in four years.

Change your ideas again

Things keep changing, they never stay the same. The same goes for me. One day I am considering hormone treatment and sex change, the next I have stopped dressing and lost all interest in it. There are periods I go through, periods I think most crossdressers have.

What I have learnt from others though is to never purge. When you purge you throw away your clothes, wigs, breast forms or whatever it is and think everything will become “normal” (whatever that is..), but after a while you realize that the urge to dress is slowly coming back to you.

Me, I reached a climax with the whole “change” idea I had, it was a nice dream. Maybe not as much something I really could live with, but more something I would love to try. I think it all comes down to curiosity. We want to know how it is to be a woman, to feel like one, dress like one and live like one. But that’s where it ends. As a crossdresser we can never cross this line of curiosity. Because if we actually do feel we were born with the wrong gender or that we are supposed to be women, then we are no longer crossdressers but transsexuals.

So after thinking things through carefully, stopped dressing and got some perspective on the whole thing I realized how I really felt. And I think we all should be careful about making decisions too quick. Stop, think about it from different points of view and then make a decision. Not saying you should do this with everything in life. Sometimes it’s better to be impulsive and stupid. But when we’re talking about something as serious as this, think. After all, “just” being a crossdresser maybe isn’t that bad?


To die - or to not live

Prelude

I wrote this because I had to get to the bottom of my feelings and thoughts. It took me some time to write, but once I had written it down it became much more clear to me what it really was I feared - and why this choice is so hard.

The fear to choose

I’m scared. I’m so scared. How can anyone expect me to make such a decision? How can anyone think I am capable of doing this on my own? I know what you think - you think I’m not alone. That I have friends, family, people around me that support me and love me no matter what I choose. But that’s what’s making this such a hard decision, and why I am so scared of it. The truth is that it’s not “anyone” that expect anything – it’s me.

I’m the one expecting myself to make a decision; everyone else is standing ready to support me once I make it. But the choice is mine, and it’s only I alone that can make it. So why am I scared? It’s not that I’m afraid to let others down, I’m afraid to let myself down. What if I make the wrong decision? What if I make the wrong choice?

Between the lines

There are people that knew something was wrong at the age of four and knew this was what they wanted, others never had any of these thoughts and have lived their lives without having to ever make the choice. So why does it come to this? Why do I end up between the lines? Why do I have to pick a door, enter and never look back? Just keep on walking till I find a window.

What if I by the window realize that I have made the wrong choice? How would I be able to live with that? Everyone keeps saying that there is no need to rush, that I should take my time and enjoy life. From my point of view, not making a choice is making one. And so I feel that I have to make a choice, I have to understand who I am. That’s what it all comes down to.

What if you live with more than one heart?

Who are you? Who am I? It’s who I am that will decide which door I pick. And so to know which way to go I need to know who I am. The problem is that I don’t know. I’ve always felt free to choose what to tell others. That who I was, was who I felt like I was. But for me it never was completely certain. What if who you are – is not one, but many? You are one person at work, one at school and one at home. To your friends you show one side, to your family perhaps another? And what if that is what feels good? What if you live with more than one heart?

I enjoy life – I live every single day like it was my last. But what I don’t enjoy is constantly struggling with myself – a person I don’t even know. My mother says I should do whatever makes me happy, and that she loves me no matter what. So what makes me happy? What if you never are – not happy? What if you are the kind of person that can find happiness, positivity and joy in everything? How would I possibly know if something would make me happier? Try it of course.

It's impossible to answer that question

And so I have done. I feel happy, perhaps happier. Is that because it’s more of who I am, or because it’s something different from what I’ve been? It’s impossible to answer that question. I cannot know that till I’ve been what makes me happier and then try being something different. I find myself trapped in the dilemma.

Perhaps there are more than two doors? Perhaps it’s not this or that? Perhaps I am faced with a corridor of doors, and multiple choices. There are only two genders – but gender identity is a spectrum. Where would I place myself on it? I’m not sure – but even if I did there are still only two doors I can walk through. And not walking through the other makes me pick the first.

I’m scared. I’m scared that the choice I make will be wrong. That when I finally get to a window, I will see what could have been and realize I’ve made the wrong decision. For every day that passes I become even more afraid.

It's not the choice that scares me

But the truth is that as much as the choice scares me – it’s not really what I fear. I’m afraid of not being happy, I’m afraid of not enjoying life, I’m worried to miss out on love, to die and feel regret.

My mother only wants me to be happy and all I want is to be happy. And when my time comes to bid farewell to this world I want to feel like every day I lived, every breath I took and every feeling I felt meant something. That it was me who did it, and me who felt it. That I’ve lived my whole life happy, enjoyed every second and that I don’t regret anything – not a single choice.

I’m not afraid of dying, I’m afraid of not living.


End Notes:

During recent times I've had to reflect over my cross-dressing, and what it really means to me. Is it a step to becoming a woman, or a desperate cry for acknowledgment. And what I have concluded after a lot of thinking is that it's the later. I want to be loved and respected, and since my male me wasn't getting the attention he needed, I started experimenting with roles.

Now, this is not something I consider as a truth, merely a possible explanation. But I think it make sense. That in the beginning I did it because of some sexual need, or turn on. But since I stopped feeling that, it has become something else. And that's where I believe the acknowledgment comes in to the picture.

I've always loved acting, and I've always wanted to be an actor ever since I discovered how great it feels to be on stage, or the center of attention. Hopefully it doesn't sound too twisted, but that's what I think and feel.

Onrice Letters, it's a ton of questions received by a friend. Some parts (especially the beginning) will look a lot like my whole story here, but there are more things mentioned there, and more letters will be added as I receive them.


Old, Yet Awesome News (OYAN):

|23/08| -First show is up! Watch it here.

|17/08| -Check out my own video project! Watch it here.

|16/08| -Found this story, and it's really good. It's about trans., and you get read it here.

|11/08| -I'm feeling a lot better today. Thanks to all of you that cheered me up! I love you all!

|09/08| -Check out my special thanks section at the bottom of my profile page.

|03/08| -Amazing guide for putting on makeup, check out Petrilude on youtube.


Tips and Links

No one really requested this section, but I thought it might be nice to share things I've found helpful to me, or just interesting and fun. It's not complete, but it's a start.

The Most Basic Things (Essentials)

Tuck:
How To Tuck (Text)
How To Tuck (Video, Not "Graphical")
How To Make A Gaff

Hips and Butt:
How To Make Your Own Pads

Cleavage:
How To Make A Cleavage (Tape)
Detailed Cleavage Make-Up (Breast Forms)
General Tips (For Beginners And Limited Wallets)
Using Breast Forms And Double Bra

One Step Further

Voice: (<- I'm trying very hard to do this)
How To Develop A Female Voice (Text)
Developing A Female Voice (Very Helpful)
Amazing Result (Proves Anyone Can Do It)
Rachel Talking About The Change (Video)

General Tips and Link

If you haven't already, I suggest checking out youtube for awesome guides and tips on how to apply make-up. My favorites that I follow and watch with mighty interest are:

Petrilude (You do not want to miss this!)
Michelle Phan
Kandee Johnson

And a few less make-upish but still worth checking out:

TrannyGirl15
GenderFun
Cadence Matthews
BlueTree51
Amnesia


Special thanks to:

x_Danielle_x - I want to thank you for opening my eyes to flickr and the ability to meet people who are in to the same thing as me. Thank you so much! >>

MoOnLiTe-PriNceSs - I'm glad I met you.. I love you so much! You're the cutest and kindest person I know. She no longer uses flickr but is very much still alive and well. >>

Vera Wylde - She knows so much, and has given me advice and guidance. A true friend and mentor. >>

Leica_m8_shooter - Is always eager to see my progress, and has always kept a friendly tone with me. One of those few genuinely kind persons. >>

bella.87 - We made an awesome team. Really interesting sister that went her own way. The best of luck for her. Hugs! >>