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I was born in Scotland in 1976. Scotland is a small village right next to Paris, Europe and England, and together we're all part of the United States of London. You really should visit.

My parents were journalists who defected to Scotland after escaping from the twisted clutches of the Daily Mail. Over-compensating for their previous crimes against humanity, they adopted an unshakable insistence on political correctness which knew no bounds. As a result, I was the first boy in Scotland who was successfully petitioned to be educated at an all-girls boarding school. Despite the court ruling the other pupils took an instant dislike to me. They would regularly spit at and bite me. When I went into the showers I was beaten with ferocious venom and furious anger. It was great.

About eight years ago I moved to Ireland, met and fell in love with a freelance trapeze artiste named Vonda. Vonda recently quit the circus in a furore of publicity following a frankly bizarre incident with a neurotic lion and the European working time directive. I can't reveal any more as it's currently going through the courts. Vonda is presently establishing up her own Monopolies and Mergers commission. She is enraged at the hypocrisy that there is only one. I am inclined to agree.

Like most people, I am a celebrity chef. I have my own show on BBC 2 called 'The Cookery Show'. I don't mind saying it: I was on fire the day I came up with the show's name. (When I say 'on fire' I don't mean 'in the zone'. I was actually on fire. In all the panic, I just blurted it out and we never bothered to change it).