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Jokes, jokes and more jokes.. post em if you got em!
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*WARNING: These jokes may cause unstoppable laughter, smiling and just a darn nice feeling, if you have any problems with that sort of thing you should just back away nicely now - this post is not recommended for people who offend easily, especially on a web forum!*
I added a u to laughter. John
Originally posted at 8:06AM, 3 July 2009 PST
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JWoods99 edited this topic 6 months ago.
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The Baby Photographer
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."
With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.
Posted 6 months ago.
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Oh LOL Sage! I needed that after the day at work I've had!!!! Thanks
Posted 6 months ago.
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ROFL! Love it! :-)
Posted 6 months ago.
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lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh gosh.....that was a hoot!
Posted 6 months ago.
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:-)
Loving wife
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed
The convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
Then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
And hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
Don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
And asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'
Posted 6 months ago.
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LOL where do you find these jokes? LOL
Posted 6 months ago.
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Hey Bitz, usually in the form of an email :-)
Posted 6 months ago.
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Those are TOO funny. That first one reminds me of one my mother told me years ago. I wrote it down and will share it here. I may bring that first one up to her in the nursing home. She's almost 90 and hasn't had a good laugh in a while. I'm afraid I'd have to explain the 2nd one to her, and since she's hard of hearing everyone else on her wing would hear the explanation, too!
Posted 6 months ago.
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"The Gift"
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday,
and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too
personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the
gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short
ones that are easier to remove.
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other
hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them
away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I
hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
Posted 6 months ago.
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hahahaha, thats funny!! I've never heard that one Jim, ha-ha!
One day Little Johnny walks up to his Mom and says, “Mommy, is God Black or White?”
She replies, “Well, Honey, God is both Black and White.”
Then he says, “Mommy, is God a boy or a girl?”
“God is both a boy and a girl, Honey,” she replies.
“Mommy, is God gay or straight?” he inquires again.
Getting a little irritated, the mother replies, “Well, Honey, God is both gay and straight.”
After thinking for a moment, Johnny looks up and asks, “Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?”
Posted 6 months ago.
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VL... LOL oh my lord that is hilarious.... I think the best I've read yet
Posted 6 months ago.
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LOL!! and here's another....
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
Liver alone. Cheese mine.
Posted 6 months ago.
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Tee-hee!
Good one Anna ;)
Posted 6 months ago.
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We don't sell to blondes
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because", he replied, "that's a microwave.
Posted 6 months ago.
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Great one Sage! Here's some more blonde jokes!
A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."
Originally posted 6 months ago.
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Maid in Devon edited this topic 6 months ago.
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A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening.
She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."
Posted 6 months ago.
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ha-ha, still funny to me.. have heard them before, ha-ha, good chuckle!
Originally posted 6 months ago.
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♥Sage very busy! edited this topic 6 months ago.
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*Warning* Might be judged offensive to Italians...
There was an old Italian man who had moved to the US in his youth. He worked hard his whole life at a fruit stand, frugally saving every
penny he could, investing money in stocks. When the time came to
retire, he had made enough to have his dream house built.
He hired an architect and eagerly started planning out his mansion.
After working out most of the rest, the architect asked if there was
anything special the Italian man wanted to include.
"Yes," he said, "I-a allus-a want one of-a those-a hollow estatues
at-a the bottom of-a the stairs!"
"No problem!" said the architect, "I'll pick a really beautiful one!"
Comes the day for the grand opening of the house, and the Italian
man's first look at it. He goes inside and excitedly runs around the
house, looking at everything and exclaiming "Yes, yes! That's-a just
how I want it!". He gets to the foot of the stairs and sees a stunning
porcelain Venus De Milo on a pedestal.
He turns to the architect and says "'ey! What's-a that?"
The architect, somewhat baffled, says, "That's the hollow statue you
asked for."
"No, no, no!" the Italian man replies, shouting in the architect's
face and waving his hands, "I no-a ask for that, I wanna hollow
estatue!"
"Well, I'm afraid I don't understand. Could you explain to me what
you want?" the architect asked.
In the patient voice used on small children, the Italian man
carefully said, "I want-a that-a thing. It sit-a on the table. It-a
say 'Ring ring'. You pick-a it up and say-a . . . "hallo, estat you?"
Posted 6 months ago.
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*groans* LOL!
Posted 6 months ago.
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ba dum dah!
Posted 6 months ago.
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A man is about to die
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
Posted 6 months ago.
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I'm loving this thread! Now here's my kind of diet and health advice!
_____
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables ?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable ).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance
of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil . In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand
- chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Originally posted 6 months ago.
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Marlowpics/ Anna edited this topic 6 months ago.
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Speaking English! I love it!
Here's a quick question and answer style I heard recently:. If you know this one go ahead and give us the answer. Otherwise I'll give it when I get back from the grocery store.
Q: Why is a drunk like a slinky?
Originally posted 6 months ago.
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Vermont Lenses edited this topic 6 months ago.
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A: They are both useless, but it's fun watching them go down stairs.
Posted 6 months ago.
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lol.. you guys have me cracking up over here!
OMG Anna, I loved those! I should print the last part and hang it!
And Jim, ha-ha, that is so true!!
It's nice to start the day with a chuckle!
Brain transplant
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the
waiting room, where their family member lay
gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said
as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time
is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the
only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure,
but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed
the news. After a great length of time, someone
asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, " $5,000 for
a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the
room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact w ith the women, but some
actually smirked. A man unable to control
his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence
and explained to the entire group,
"It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the
female brains, because they've actually been used."
Posted 6 months ago.
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Great oldie Sage - still funny!
Posted 6 months ago.
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LITTLE JOHNNY: THE MATH WHIZ
Little Johnny returned from school and saying he got an 'F' in Math.
"Why?" asked his father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!", said his dad, upset at the injustice.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f*@#%! difference?" asked his dad.
Little Johnny replied "That's exactly what I said!"
Posted 6 months ago.
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I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be....Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60, 70 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down.
This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans.
We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, 'Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too'
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: 'For this I have stretch marks?'
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin ..
Mid-life means that you become more reflective . . . You start pondering the 'big' questions.
What is life?
Why am I here?
How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
Posted 6 months ago.
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You forgot to mention the serious emotional states we can have. Up and down. Mostly down.
Posted 6 months ago.
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ok love these jokes,this is my fave .
kid goes into a petstore and walks up to the shop assistant.how can i help you son he asks? would you like a rabbit,maybe a hamster? no says the boy i want a Wasp. a wasp says the guy! we dont sell wasps.yes you do says the kid theres one in the window
Posted 6 months ago.
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heehee, cute!
Posted 6 months ago.
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One of my favorites :-)
A dude took his blonde girlfriend to her first NFL football game. They had great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked his blonde girlfriend if she had a good time.
She replied, “Oh, I really liked it, but I just don't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, the dude asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
Posted 6 months ago.
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The priest decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind -- the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED
CROSS.'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'
The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'
Posted 5 months ago.
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A woman and a man were involved in a car accident. Both of their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them were hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "So, you're a man - that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are both unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man thoughtfully replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cork back in, and handed it back to the man. In surprise, he asked, "Aren't you having any?"
"No," the woman replied, "I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Posted 5 months ago.
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2010 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$70,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Originally posted 5 months ago.
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BillGraf edited this topic 5 months ago.
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Wanna pic of my hair? LOL! I colored it today...forgot the color was on...killed mobsters on one computer..did my film editing homework on this one....forgot the color...and....guess what.....my hair is well...kind of reddish...something....very interesting. I kinda like it. It's colorful.
Posted 5 months ago.
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Okay those were good:)
Posted 5 months ago.
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TAKE OFF, QUICK!
During a taxi run, the crew of a US AIR flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 737. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta". Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically. "Now, you've screwed up everything; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"
"The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am".
The ground control frequency went terribly silent; none of the aircrews wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at the airport was running high. Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Posted 5 months ago.
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What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws.
Outlaws are wanted.
Posted 4 months ago.
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What's the difference between a penus and a bonus.
Your wife will always blow your bonus.
Posted 4 months ago.
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BillGraf oh my God, those were too funny! I forgot the 2nd one but had heard it before, was nice to read it again! Imagine someone doing that, ah-ha!
rowanseamus ohh, ha-ha!
On a similar note:
Q: What's the difference between having the same wife for 5 years and having the same job for 5 years?
..
...
....
A: after 5 years, your job still sucks!
Posted 4 months ago.
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crabby7 ha, colorful like your personality.. if it is the color of your personality it must be quite stunning :)
Posted 4 months ago.
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A man was walking on a beach, and found a magic lamp. He rubbed it, and a genie appeared. He told the man, "You only get one wish, you better make it a good one."
The man said, "I'd like a bridge that goes from here to Hawaii, so I can drive there whenever I want."
"Are you crazy?" said the genie, "Do you know how hard that would be? The distance involved, and the amount of materials it would take to make that bridge would be impossible. You better wish for something else."
"Well," said the man, "I have never been able to understand the mind of a woman. I would like to know how they think."
The genie replied, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
Posted 4 months ago.
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A man went to the doctor with a steering wheel down the front of his trousers.
The doctor said... before I start examining you can you please tell me how did the steering wheel get there..
The man replied,,,,,,, I don't know but it is driving me nuts!
Posted 4 months ago.
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You didn't hear this from me :O
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...
Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
Originally posted 4 months ago.
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BlTZy edited this topic 4 months ago.
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The 10 Best Excuses for Not Going to Work
10. I've used up all my sick days, so I'd like to call in dead.
9. I'm just checking in to make sure everything is okay with my not coming in today. I hope you haven't forgotten about our little agreement at last year's Christmas party.
8. My stigmata's acting up.
7, Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
6. I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the supermarket.
5. My dog ate my car keys. Now we're going to hitchhike to the vet.
4. If it's all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to stay home and clean all my guns today.
3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the un-dead and we must find her coffin and drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
2. I just found out I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
1. When I got up this morning I took a laxative in addition to my Prozac. Now I can't leave the bathroom, but I feel good about it.
.
Originally posted 4 months ago.
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BillGraf edited this topic 4 months ago.
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door...to find two, grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news; some good news; and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued: "When we pulled her up, she had two... 25-pound king crabs...and 6-good-size Dungeness crabs on her."
Stunned...Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
.
Originally posted 4 months ago.
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BillGraf edited this topic 4 months ago.
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roflmao, good ones!
Posted 4 months ago.
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=:-D
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A quick one...
Q. What's E.T. short for?
A. 'Cos he's got little legs!
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tee-hee
Q: Why was the strawberry crying?
A: Because he heard his father was in a jam!
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And a long one...
A lump of black tarmac walks into a bar and shouts his order to the barman "PINT OF LAGER!". The barman is a bit put out but serves black tarmac his drink which he downs, slams the glass on the bar turns round and shouts to all the people in the bar "C'MON THEN, WHO WANTS A FIGHT - I'LL TAKE ANY ONE OF YOU!". Everyone turns away and keeps quiet so black tarmac leaves.
The next day black tarmac walks into the bar and again shouts his order at the barman "PINT OF LAGER!". The barman having seen the scene yesterday thinks it best to serve black tarmac without arguments. Again black tarmac downs the drink, slams the glass on the bar and turns round to address everyone in the bar "C'MON THEN, WHO WANTS A FIGHT - I'LL TAKE ANY ONE OF YOU!". As the day before everyone keeps quiet so black tarmac leaves.
On the third day black tarmac walks into the bar. The barman expects the normal fireworks but just as black tarmac is about to shout his order he turns and sees green tarmac sitting by the bar. Black tarmac says nothing and turns and walks out of the bar.
The day after black tarmac walks into the bar and shouts his order at the barman "PINT OF LAGER!". The barman decides it's time to talk and says to black tarmac "look mate, you come in here acting all hard - shouting and threatening everyone, but yesterday you saw green tarmac and pretty much legged it - why!?". Black tarmac looks a little stunned but says "That green tarmac... he's a cycle-path!!"
NB. The colour of green tarmac may need local variation; and "path" can't be said in the southern English accent of "paarth" otherwise it clearly doesn't work! :)
Originally posted 4 months ago.
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clivester edited this topic 4 months ago.
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A REDNECK LOVE POEM
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
*******(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?)
Posted 4 months ago.
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Wax on - wax off
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal -
The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Have the kleenex ready and maybe the Depends, you'll laugh that hard...
Read on...
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next
few hours:
'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your
hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure , I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!!
Blinded from pain!!!!....
OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious..must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe............
OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not!
I touch.
I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my
body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet?
I know I need to do something.
I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself ... Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse
the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued
together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the
wax off with a razor .
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace ... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub s ome on and OH MY STARS !!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
'IT WORKS!!!
It works!!! ' I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs
up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...
Posted 4 months ago.
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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless dress, walked in a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'
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